Flamingos, Burritos, Nail Polish, and Novelty Rap.

it's about that time, folks...

2012-01-13T19:43:00.002-05:00

the babyometer is starting to tick louder and louder. max is almost 19 months, every girl i was pregnant with has recently had number 2, and EVERY woman i work with finds it completely appropriate to ask when max is getting a sister. that part annoys me - mind ya bidness - but for real. max *does* need a sister.

here's the thing, though: i don't feel ready to start the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG process of getting pregnant again, but i am READY to get pregnant. for any other gal on earth (or at least all you fertile-myrtles) this is no problem! but, alas, for me it sucks. and i'm pretty sure we are not going to be that story that people will tell you about how their sister's roommate's aunt had pcos, did ivf, then the next time just got pregnant. no sir. we gave it the old college try, and no dice. (not that we'll stop trying, heehee.) so, this means we'll have to chill out our 3 on ice and see what happens. ---it's just that that is so ON PURPOSE! if i got pregnant "by accident", it's kind of like, "well, it's meant to be!" but if we do the frozen transfer, it's like, "you're having twins!" *shudder*

deep breaths for a sec. oh dear lord, twins.

ok. so anyhoo. i'd like our wolf pack to grow by one in the near future.

"these are my confessssioooooonssss..."

2011-12-18T20:12:00.002-05:00

*ala usher*

so Leslie at A Blonde Ambition does a "confessional friday", so i thought i'd confess....

Numero Uno:
i need a haircut so. bad. i'm SOOOOOOOO trying to grow it out and i KNOW you have to trim to grow, but ugh. i so have to be in the mood to cut and i just haven't been. which brings me to...

Numero Dos:
i haven't been to a salon in about eleven years. yes, eleven. i cut and color my own hair because once you've been traumatized by the hands of a "stylist" who was supposed to do "long layers" in your gorgeous, long, chestnut hair that is your prized possession, but instead were left with a mullet billy ray cyrus would envy, you'd do your own hair too.

Numero Tres:
i hate laundry. we call the laundry room the "dungeon" and no one is allowed in there.

Quatro:
we went to orlando for our 5-year anniversary. we left max with my parents and enjoyed every. last. minute of it! the confession part?- i wish we stayed longer!!! yes, i love my baby, but DAMN. it was nice to sleep and just be with chris.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Cinco:
say what you will about fast food, but i'm putting it on the table. right here; right now. mcdonald's has the best coffee. i *like* starbucks and dunkin donuts, even 7-11 if need be, but micky d's is by far my favorite. there. i said it.

hospitals = no bueno.

2011-12-04T19:44:00.005-05:00

over thanksgiving break, max got my bad cold. grrrrreat. we were supposed to see a good friend who now lives in vegas in cocoa beach! oh well, i thought. so all week, we stayed home and max wasn't really getting any better. even after being on antibiotics for a few days. thanksgiving night, we noticed his lymph nodes getting puffy. by friday morning, they were HUGE. we immediately went to the doctor who told us to immediately go to the hospital. *cue freaking out*

poor guy was on an iv of 2 antibiotics and a steroid for 4 days. after an ultrasound, they found his lymph node was very badly infected, and was *thisclose* to needing surgery. luckily, the steroids worked and we didn't have to have surgery. so thankful.

but, being in the hospital that long and being hooked up to the iv made him a very VERY angry bubba. he was throwing fits left and right; throwing food; hitting mommy; you name it! it was so frustrating!

but, on day 4, they let us go home to continue the strong meds there. this is him in the car - i literally have never seen him THAT happy to be going somewhere!!!

now we've been home for about a week and he's "different". he cries when i leave, which he has NEVER done, he cries when we put him down for bed (again - NEVER done this before!). it doesn't help that the week he decided he wants to be independent and eat by himself and do things alone just so happened to be the week we were in the hospital. :/

but, hey i'll take it. my baby is better and being next door to kids with real illnesses was FOR SURE a reality check. my heart goes out to those families.

once upon a time...

2011-11-19T20:10:00.005-05:00

...i wrote regularly on my blog.

obviously, lately, is not that time.

quick catch-up: max turned one; summer was fun; halloween was RAD; and here we are!

anyhoo. chris and i are celebrating our FIFTH wedding anniversary next month!!! can't believe it was five years ago!

and now that i finally decided to write on my blog, i'm drawing a blank. which is why i wasn't writing anyway. ugh. oh well.

10 months

2011-04-23T21:32:00.003-04:00

Max is TEN MONTHS OLD!!! i can't believe it. for real. only 2 short months away from being a whole year since i birthed him. crazy.

highlights:
- CRAWLS! houston, we have movement. kid won't sit still for 10 seconds.
- has SIX teeth! 4 on top, 2 little chicklets on the bottom.
- wakes up telling stories. "doydoy doy doy doy! doy doy? doy doy DOY!!!" who knows what 'doy' means - but homie sure loves saying it.
- laughs when i read to him.
- talks back when someone is talking on tv, the radio, in church. it's awesome. ;)

speaking of church, max is getting baptized next week. "better late than never" as my mom says. haha.

and then there's the other change this month... we switched daycare. ugh. long story. but i'm happy with where he is now, so alls well.

wow. i am sucking at this.

2011-03-16T21:25:00.002-04:00

i get so busy! i wish there were a way to sync my facebook statuses to my blog. ahhh, that would make my life so easy!

max is NINE months old! goodgodDAMN!!! i can't believe in just three short, SHORT months, he will be a whole year old. i want him to stay a teeny tiny baby forever. but i also love that he's a big boy i can toss around now. :)

highlights:
-says "luffoo" (i love you - trust me.), mama, dada, hi and bye, and he thinks his name is bubba. i mean, i didn't set out to make him think that, that's just what i call him!
-pulls himself up to standing!
-rolls around like a hamster in a ball.
sleeps in the crib at the lowest position due to his navy seal training. it's only a matter of time until he scales the side.
-eats a LOT! actually, we're saving on formula since he only really eats about 2 bottles a day now.
-speaking of eating... max ate a frog yesterday. lemme break it down: max was in the pack-n-play over at jen's and she looked over and saw him gnawing on something. she didn't think much of it since he had a teether in there, but upon closer inspection, found that it was, indeed, a tree frog. poor thing had jumped in there, max caught it, and started chewing the CRAP out of it. tore it in half. *insert gags here*
-wears all 9 and 12 month clothes!!! his jams are all 12 month since the 9's are too short. i remember looking at those and thinking, "he will NEVER be big enough for these!" and now i look at them and think to myself that they look like they'll only fot for a few more weeks!!!

we go for his 9-month appointment on friday. i can't wait to see how much he has grown!

the poor frog. ;)

Survey Sayyyyssssss...

2011-03-02T22:33:00.002-05:00

We went to the neurologist yesterday and after a silent, weird examination (reflexes; expected- turn him upside down and dangle him there for a second; UNexpected), the official diagnosis is max is "completely normal". No pinched nerve, no neurological disorder, not even a muscle disformity. Just a crooked smile. He said 2-3% of the population are just born this way and it's totally fine. Actually, he looked at Max and said, "Well it certainly isn't affecting his appetite, hm?" haha.

He said it won't hinder his speech or motor skills in the least, but it WILL make him a ladykiller in about 13 years. ;)

2% of the population.... so my Max really IS one in a million. <3

8 month bits...

2011-02-19T20:00:00.003-05:00

i can't believe max is 8 months old. i've been writing in his baby book each month, but i thought i should be writing more of the "little" things, too. like, lately, he really likes to straddle my legs while i'm sitting and he just rests his head on my bubbies and sucks his thumb. he just sits and sucks. but it makes me so incredibly happy because i can tell he feels safe and happy right there with his mommy.

his incisor came in. so he has both bottom front teeth and a fang. and it looks as though #4 is gonna be his other one. so, cool life. max the vampire. ;)

he still wakes up giggling. i know i sound like "that mom" who makes her kid sound like the best baby ever (mostly because he is, haha), but he honestly wakes himself up laughing. and when i come in and say, "goooood mooooooorning" all sing-song-y, it just makes him crack up even more.

his hair is very very red and getting very very curly as it gets longer. chris' hair is the same when it gets too long. i hope it stays this color. he has his very own, unique look. :)

i've packed away all of his 3-month clothes and most of his 6-month stuff. it really makes me sad when i have to pack up some of my favorite outfits for him.

we have to go to the neurologist on march 1st about his lip. when he was born, they said it was either a pinched nerve - war wound - or neurological. if it WAS neurological, they said it *could* inhibit his speech and/or motor skills. both of which are completely fine and perfectly on-schedule, so I think it's just a pinched nerve. (and they can't do anything about that anyway.) i hate that we have to take him, but our pediatrician says we should go just to rule out any other issue.

so anyhoo. i wish time would stand still for awhile. i wish it was summer so i could stay home with my bubba everyday. such a pickle.

Let's see...

2011-02-09T12:22:00.002-05:00

...if I can blog from my phone! You'll know I am by the auto-capitalization. Y'all KNOW I'm too lazy for the shift key!

Sidenote: my face is breaking the fuck out like a teenager. I had cramps yesterday (never happens). I'm on 31 days (totally normal, but was 28 last month). And I felt nautious yesterday and again this morning.

Hopes are not up.

But GOODGOTDAMN, that would be batshit crazy.

alive and well.

2011-02-03T21:37:00.002-05:00

happy 2011! ...on february 3rd.

i think so much happens, and i WANT to write about it, but i get too tired, or too busy, or just want to play with max, or chris, or whatever that i just don't.

so let's see. instead of trying to catch up, i'll just start from where i am.

my foot is killing me. i have plantar faciitis, which started RIGHT when i stopped breastfeeding, but my doctor swears one has nothing to do with the other. anyhoo, i can't walk. or run. or do anything that requires wearing cute shoes. so that sucks. i lost 5 pounds last month, but i could be doing better if i was *reallllly* watching what i eat, and of course, if i could do some kind of cardio.

max is a giant. he's 7 & 1/2 months and is about 20 pounds. he's been sitting up, rolling over, scooching, babbling, and waving... but the REALLY exciting stuff is that not only does he have a few teeth, he discovered he can CHOOSE his emotion! yesterday, when i picked him up early because he was having a rough day, he was MEAN-MUGGIN' me! like, eyebrows furled, pouty lip - everything! he was thinking, "HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALL DAY?!?!" or something! he was so pissed, but it was hilarious!

i hate going to work and leaving my baby everyday. i mean, i do it. i have to. and it helps that i'm the first thing he sees in the morning, and when i wake him up, he smiles when he hears my voice before he even opens his eyes. but, i still wish i was with him all day. i want him to know I'M the mommy and not the nanny.

i pick him up in the middle of the night and rock him. he's not normally a "cuddler", but he doesn't wake up easy, so that's the one chance i get to just love on him for as long as i want. the best is when he wakes up for just a second, snuggles up in my neck, and goes limp again. i just love my little bubba.

i don't want to forget...

2010-09-06T20:36:00.003-04:00

...last night when i was feeding max at about 11 o'clock. for whatever reason, he was in SUCH a giggly mood. he's a smiley kid anyway, but last night was the most adorable thing i've ever seen. he would just look at me a laugh! i would give him the bottle and he would try to drink, but he was smiling too wide to do it. so i would take it away and he would GIGGLE so much!!! i thought i was going to die. we played that game for about 20 minutes. my boy loves his momma. :)

and ps - who are we kidding?- i'm not finishing that 30 day thing. wanna know something?- ask! i'll answer!

Day 7 - My Job

2010-08-12T10:31:00.003-04:00

(one of the projects we do for writing - coming up with better verbs that express more feeling.)

I'm just about to start my 7th year teaching 7th grade. and i'm still alive - haha. :)

i graduated college in 2002 with a communication degree. i was bartending at the time and continued to do so until my untimely firing (bartenders should be ALLOWED to be rude to assholes, by the way) about 6 months later. i originally wanted to be a communication consultant at a big company, but as it turns out, that's pretty much impossible for a young, 20ish female.
so i was jobless for about a month until i got the. worst. job. on the planet!!! -Manager of the Juniors Dept. at Dillards Deparment store. the third ring of hell as far as i'm concerned. i worked there for a year making the most ridiculous salary known to man, but i met a girl whom i became friends with. she had gone to college too and was in sort of the same situation as me. she told me about how her friend had graduated with a biology degree and couldn't find a job, so she became a science teacher.
a teacher without a teaching degree? is that possible? why yes, yes it is. you have to take a 'subject area exam'. if you pass, they consider you qualified to teach that subject. "interesting," i thought. so i looked into it and as it turned out, with my degree, i had enough credits to teach english. so i took the exam and passed. i decided to become a substitute teacher to see how i liked it, then at night, i got a job bartending close to my apartment. my first day as a sub, i got called to a middle school down the street. i got there and they didn't need me! arg! BUT, they said i was needed at the OTHER middle school closer to where i lived, so i went there. i LOVED it. 13 year-old kids are hilarious when a sub is in. like i'm an idiot! that age is great, because they get sarcasm. so i was funny, but we still got work done. turns out, the teachers liked me, so i was pretty much there everyday. then i was hired as a "permanent sub" for the school for the last semester. i knew there was an opening for english coming in the fall, so i put the word out that i really wanted it. i pestered the principal for the rest of the year and then once a week all summer until finally, she said, "fine! go to training and i'll see you in a week!" i got a job! woohoooo!!! not only a job, but a career!!! check me out!
once hired, i had a temporary certificate for 3 years. in that time, i had to complete courses to satisfy education certification. there were 5 college classes that i got done in my first year.
i've been teaching at the same middle school i started subbing in 8 years ago! i love being around kids that age all the time. they are so dramatic, fun, and still mostly child-like. 13 is a weird age, but it's that age where they're either still wearing glasses, braces, and carrying a book - OR - skinny jeans with a cell in the back pocket and eye shadow caked on haphazardly. it's fun to see everyday. and i'm pretty good at it. kids learn stuff. haha.

Day 6 - Someone that inspires me

2010-08-12T10:28:00.002-04:00

hmmm. i've never really idolized anyone and wanted to emulate them. and i can't think of anything good to write. next.

Day 5 - My Dreams

2010-08-08T17:10:00.002-04:00

i guess my dream sorta came true. all i ever wanted was to find the perfect guy for me; one who was funny, challenged me, and someone i could picture spending forever with. check. THEN, i wanted to be a mom. like, when they asked me in thrid grade what i wanted to be when i grew up, i always said "a mommy". (not very aligned with my somewhat feminist ideals, i know.) but here i sit, with the hubs snoring on the couch and the baby cooing at the wall. dreams come true, man. ;)

Day 4 - My Siblings

2010-08-07T11:31:00.003-04:00

i am the middle child. which didn't actually fuck me me up as bad as most middle children because i am the only girl. joey, andy, and i are all almost exactly 2 years apart. joey and i fought like CRAZY when we were little. i used to get the crap kicked out of me on a pretty regular basis. now, we're all best friends. like, even if we weren't related, we'd be hanging out. they are hilarious.

joey is a band-guy with lots of tattoos. he looks like a hard-core meanie, but he's actually pretty nice and always funny. (sometimes unintentionally. haha!) by night, he's a scenester going to shows, playing in smoky clubs, and drinking like a fish. by day, he's a computer guy. full-on nerd. he's quite the anomaly.

andy is the baby. there was a good 4-year period when he was about 16-20 when he said all of, maybe, 12 sentences. homeboy was high as a kite. he is a manager/bartender at a bar he's been working at since he was about 20. he does magic tricks. who does magic tricks, right?! but he's really good and loves to piss my mom off. (she hates magic) he is also ridiculously funny. and when he laughs, he sounds exactly like my dad and we always make fun of him for it. like, that old-man-not-really-breathing-but-more-like-wheezing laugh. and he's only 29.

don't know where i'd be without those two. i'm lucky to have so many amazingly awesome (and totally different) men in my life!

Day 3 - My Parents

2010-08-06T22:07:00.003-04:00

"big joe" and mary.
my parents have been married since february 1st, 1975. that's 35 years, people!!! they met at work. my mom was dating some other guy and my dad was apparently the 'funny bachelor' type. at some office function, my dad made fun of my mom's date's tie. something about 'looking like a dick' as the story goes. turns out, my mom made him that tie for his birthday. for some reason, she went out with him after that. and they lived happily ever after. :)

Day 2 - My Vices

2010-08-05T18:25:00.009-04:00

these are easy. and mostly fattening. :)

- red velvet cheesecake from cheesecake factory. shit ain't right.

- mexican food. i could eat it everyday.

- reality television. you name it, i probably watch it. the housewives are a favorite. :)

- target. i heart target. i love the clothes, the fact that i can wander around for hours, and that there's usually a starbucks in there. :)

- facebook. the best and most entertaining way to waste your time.

- new school supplies. there's nothing like new pens, post-its, and expo markers to make going back to work a little easier.

- a sonic slush. soooooo good.

- ludacris. now, lemme preface this with the fact that i love mostly everything (except country!). my husband is a major music snob, so the only time i get to listen to my ear candy is in my car. you'll often find me singing along to my novelty rap while driving to work (or target!).

Day 1 - My Best Friend

2010-08-04T21:59:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of me and chris circa 2005*. we met on match.com in august and talked on the phone until our first date in october. we were engaged in january and married that december. december 16th, 2006 to be exact. some thought it was fast, but when we met - that was it. i had found my soulmate. he's my best friend in the whole world. the person i can tell anything to, the person who sees me at my worst and loves me anyway. i love him. <3

fun fact: our anniversary is now max's half-birthday. :)

*i LOVED my hair that color. ahhhh, to be in my early to mid twenties and be able to rock crazy hair. *sigh*

trying not to slack.

2010-08-04T21:55:00.002-04:00

in an effort to be a better blogger, i've decided to steal this idea and run with it. (feel free to steal from me and do your own!)

i send out an email everyday called 'the daily max' and it's a picture of my wee-man with a funny caption of something he did that day. -if i could somehow blog that, i'd feel pretty damn good. but alas; i cannot blog (or haven't figured out how to) from my phone, so i want to get better at blogging on my actual laptop. i do lists. i'm good with lists. i keep up with lists. so here's this list i came across that i can do. :)

The 30-Day Challenge:
Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your vices
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your siblings
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — Someone that inspires you
Day 7 — Your job
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend that you've never met
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — Your dream vacation
Day 13 — Something you're looking forward to
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — The place you wish you were from
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Something that makes you different
Day 20 — Your favorite television shows
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Your pet peeves
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — A life changing moment
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The thing you most enjoy doing
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — Your talent
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

the first month...

2010-07-15T18:24:00.002-04:00

bits...

max is a momma's boy. he calms down when i pick him up; he stops crying (at least for a second) when i talk to him; he (kind of) smiles when i make stupid faces at him when i change his diaper.

he's a happy baby. he only gets worked up when he's hungry, his diaper is dirty, he's getting his diaper changed, or when he gets in the tub. once he's in, he's good. it's just the act of GETTING wet he doesn't so much enjoy.

he sleeps a lot. like, most of the day, then he only gets up 2 or 3 times at night. su-weeeeet!!!

he has daddy's hobbit feet. big, wide, crazy-toed feet. :)

he's already growing out of some of his clothes! i put him in the outfit he went home in yesterday and it was almost too snug! it was swimming on him a month ago!!! my big boy.

speaking of big boy... we weighed him the other day and he was 8lbs9oz!!! i'm taking him tomorrow morning for an "official" weigh-in, so we'll see.

he makes the best faces when he sleeps. just like mommy - making faces all the time.

when he drinks too much and coughs, he makes the. best. face. ever. sticks his tongue out and shakes his head. it's hilarious. *i know that sounds bad, like he's choking, but he's not - i swear. his mouth just gets too full and instead of swallowing, he does this. :)

the first week.

2010-06-23T20:31:00.003-04:00

max is a week old today. (hence why i'm writing a million things now that i finally have a second to get on my computer.)

-he squeaks. a lot. it's the cutest sound in the world.
-he eats like a football player. every hour and a half like clockwork. and when he eats, its not just for a second - it's at least a 40 minute procedure.
-he smiles when he poops.
-i have to sleep with the light on because i'm terrified he's going to choke or suffocate in his sleep. chris is not on board with the lights thing, but he's nice about it.
-max LOVES being swaddled. he hates being free. if you unswaddle him, he immediately starts to fuss and wants to eat.
-chris is the best dad ever. he changes max's diaper all the time. he gets up to get max and do his diaper at every feeding so all i have to do is get out the boob.
-he weighed 7lbs4oz at birth, 6lbs15oz when we left the hospital, and is already back up at 7lbs6oz. he's a fatty. :)
-i'm NOT a fatty (well, you know, haha) - i lost TWENTY pounds in a week! score! (nineteen and a half was probably from all the swelling. haha - my entire body was puffed up. i thought i had turned into a pear-shaped woman when i was in the hospital. all that sitting swelled my butt and thighs like crazy.)
-he wears newborn clothes and size one diapers (even though he should probably be wearing newborns; we have an asston of size ones, so whatever.)

i love you, max. <3

what they didn't tell me.

2010-06-23T20:19:00.002-04:00

they didn't tell me that after childbirth, your girly parts would look like a murder scene every time you go to the bathroom. good lord.

they ALSO didn't tell me the AMOUNT of pain i'd be in. i knew i'd be sore. but i couldn't stand upright, sit on my butt, or get out of bed without SERIOUS effort. my stitches felt like they were ripping all the time.

they DID tell me being at the hospital would be like staying at a hotel. not so much. people don't knock, dude. so on the rare occasion i'd get to sleep for a few minutes, someone would come in to check my blood pressure, or check him, or whatever. no sleep dude.

they didn't tell me my nipples would feel like i've been nursing a rabid, wild dog. holy shit they hurt. i love nursing. i'm glad i stuck with it and it's getting better now, but damn. and it doesn't help that max's signature move to let me know he's done is to CHOMP.

june 16th

2010-06-23T19:50:00.002-04:00

was Max Christopher's birthday.

i had a scheduled induction that morning due to my gestational hypertension. we were supposed to get there at six, but, of course, i had to do my hair and makeup (can't look like a crazy lady in those pictures!), so we got there around 6:15. we were the last of the inductions to arrive, but they took us right back and got me all set up. i got my pitocin iv and all was going swimmingly. the doctor first checked me around 7:30 and i was already 4cm! (i was 3 when i went in anyway) up to that point, i could definitely feel the contractions, but it really wasn't that bad. i totally htought i could handle this!

then.

she broke my water.

oh good lord. the minute she did that, the contractions felt crazy. like i was being broken in half. the nurse said i could have my epidural whenever, but i felt like such a wuss. who gets their epidural this early?! but i asked for it anyway.

did you know getting an epidural hurts just as much as a contraction??? i did not. i knew it would be "uncomfortable" - but damn!!! that pain was a whole new insult!!! anyhoo. so i got it.

about 10 minutes in, my left side was numb, but i could feel every little thing on the right. EVERYTHING. they told me maybe it would take a minute or maybe i should prop myself up on the left because maybe gravity would help. nothing helped.

i stayed like that for about 4 or 5 hours. in natural labor basically. my phone was ringing, i was getting texts and all i could say to chris was "TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF!!!" nice, right? haha. finally, the anesthesiologist came back and attempted to explain to me why and how it didn't work. he was using hand gestures and pictures - JUST FIX IT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!! so my options were to pull it out a smidge and *hopefully* that would fix the problem, OR re-do the whole thing. i just said "YOU'RE THE DOCTOR!" so, chris said to re-do it.

so we did. he gave me an epidural while i wwas having contractions and was 8 centimeters. that was a pain like no other on the planet. pain on pain, i tell you. but after about 10 minutes, both side were numb.

except.

NOW - i could feel EVERYTHING below my pubic bone. evry time i had a contraction, i could feel his head being pushed. i could feel the pressure of a thousand tons bearing down on my nether regions. i took it for a little while. the nurses all said i was supposed to feel pressure. sure. except I CAN'T BREATHE THIS HURTS SO FUCKING BAD!!! then, the anesthesiologist came back and said i should feel that, but it definitely shouldn't be at "full capacity", so he gave me a shot in my iv that would "take the edge off".

then my whole body went numb.

no feeling in my arms, legs, torso; couldn't move ANYTHING!!! and then they tell me i'm 10 centimeters and READY TO GO!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! how am i gonna do this if i can't move my arms?!?!?

i'll tell you - they grab my arms, legs, and the nurse pushed me forward and the doctor told me to "push". so i pretend to do so. i couldn't feel ANYTHING! so i at least tried to mimic the feeling of pushing. that worked, apparently. but she also had to use the vacuum. go for it! i can't feel anything anyway!

all of a sudden, after about 10 minutes, chris says "HIS HEAD IS OUT!!!" i say, "REALLY!?!? I CAN'T FEEL IT!"

and so Max is born at 2:00pm on june 16th, 2010.

when they put him on my chest, a thousand different things ran through my head.
-is he ok?
-i can't touch him- my hand won't move.
-i love him.
-i love chris.
-this is the craziest shit i have ever experienced in my life.
-holy shit, i have a son.

they took him right next to me to do their thing and chris snapped pictures, and i look down to see the doctor hard at work. "placenta", i think for a split second. ...until i see the giant fishhook and string she's knitting with. what. the. fuck. she sees my face and immediately says all casually, "you need some stitches here - no big deal. you tore a little. can you feel any of that?" i say no and i think to myself, THANK GOD IN HEAVEN I CAN'T!!! can you imagine?!?!? she told me it would hurt later, but it would be fine.

so about 20 minutes after he was born, my hands started tingling. i finally got to hold my baby boy.

i love him more than i thought i would. he's perfect. he's everything. he's mine.

bedrest sucks.

2010-06-05T11:16:00.002-04:00

now, i love to loaf around just as much (if not more than) the average joe, but this shit is ridiculous. i've got NESTING to do, DAMMIT!!! the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, i haven't made a drawer for baby stuff in the kitchen, oh the VACUUMING!, i still needed some odds and ends at target....

ARG!!!!! i'm on day NINE here, people!!! i'm losing my marbles. bless his heart, but the topher is only so much help. he's a dude. when i say, "the fridge needs to be cleaned out..." he "cleans" it - ie - throws away stuff that looks old. no taking everything out and wiping down shelves like it's your job; no emptying the ice maker and washing it in super hot water to get rid of all the ice dust in there. and vacuuming? homie PRETENDS he vacuumed while i was upstairs taking a shower. "she'll never know! the carpet is beige!" i know him all too well.

so anyhoo. survey says: I'VE GONE NUTTY! cabin fever like crazy. i sit here on the couch watching crappy tv while my house calls out to me, "hey emmie, it's us - FLOORBOARDS! we're FILTHY!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"

on another note: i'm all about words with friends. it's a nice distractor from said shitty television. so if you're bored, find me, and we will scrabble. 'rademmie'

gestational hypertension

2010-05-27T20:23:00.002-04:00

that's what i'm rolling with.

it all started a week ago when i started feeling really nauseous and morning sickness-y. i had the school nurse take my blood pressure and it was around 155/90. so i called the doctor and they told me to come in immediately. i got there and my bp was still high, so they had me go to the hospital to be monitored. after a few hours of doing the stress test, they determined max is fine and my blood tests and urine came back normal, so they let me go home even though my bp wasn't going down. i was ordered to do a 24-hour urine collection (which is EXACTLY as much fun as it sounds) over the weekend and come in monday morning to drop it off and see the doctor. she told me to stay home and relax. so i did. then, they called the next day to say everything came back perfect; liver functions good, no protein traces, great! so i went back to work today.

bad idea.

i FELT fine, but had the nurse check my bp anyway only to find it was 174/100. stroke-time, people!!! so i called and they had me come in immediately again; i did the non-stress test again; and that's when they told me max is FINE, but i have developed gestational hypertension. high blood pressure while pregnant. and i'm too far along to go on any medication for it because it may mask any symptoms of preeclampsia if i start to get that!

so the prognosis is bedrest. when i asked, "defiiiiiiiine bedrest..." she said, "bed, couch, bathroom, food. that's it." craaaaaaaaaaap. i mean, obviously, i'm going to do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby, but this puts quite a wrinkle in my life! there's 8 days of school left, piles of laundry to fold, and i'm not even gonna mention what my floors look like right now.

ok. i know that sounded selfish. *slaps hand*

actually, since i'm being selfish anyway - i'm bummed about one more thing: i'm probably not going to go into labor the "old-fashioned" way. no "it's tiiIIIiiime!!!" yell to my husband. my doctor said they're more than likely going to induce me around 37-38 weeks. which really doesn't matter in the big picture kind of way, but i just really wanted the whole "experience". i never thought i'd get to do any of this and i MAY never get to do any of this again, so i just wanted it all to go as naturally as possible.

but really, as long as he's happy and healthy - i'll take him no matter how he gets here.

whew. that was a long one. i'm craving ice cold milk my the gallon. who knows.

dear max,

2010-05-19T22:10:00.002-04:00

now that this feels real, i have some things i'd like to say to you.

your daddy and i wanted you for a very long time. you can't imagine how happy we were when we found out you were finally coming. your nickname will probably be 'pancakes' and you probably won't get it.

i feel you move all the time and i watch you do the worm in my tummy and while it's weird, and while you really make me have to pee, it is the awesomest feeling i've ever had. knowing you're growing and healthy all snuggled up in your little apartment makes me feel a joy i've never known.

i can't wait to see your little face. i have a feeling you're going to look like your daddy; cute little scrunchy cheeks, rosy lips... you are surely going to be the cutest baby on the planet.

i love you more everyday and i can't imagine what it's going to feel like to be your mommy. i'm nervous and scared and excited all in one. will i be what you need? will i know what to do? sometimes i feel super-prepared, sometimes i feel like i hae no idea what we got ourselves into. but no matter what, i'll make sure you know everyday how much i love you.

i love you more than you'll ever know, max. you're my everything and i feel beyond blessed that god chose me to be your mom.

love, mommy

shower time!

2010-05-01T19:33:00.002-04:00

my baby shower is tomorrow!!! i'm so excited!!! one of my best friends is catering and i've been told she's made all my favorites; mini crab cakes, mac-n-chz balls, artichoke hummus, and CUPCAKES! i'm more excited about the food than the presents, i think. :)

the only part that sucks is that it was supposed to be outside at my parents' house. they have THE party house. lots of trees, a gazebo, pool, the whole nine. except tomorrow is the first day of the year the weather is going to be up in the 90's. soooooo, yeah. no outside. although, my mother - ever the optimist - insists as long as it's "not humid", we should still be able to sit outside. to which i replied, "ummmm, when was the last time 90+ degrees in florida felt ok?!?!?" my worst nightmare is to be the pregnant sweaty lady in all those pictures. my friends will post pics the MINUTE they get home and i'd rather not be dripping balls.

i thought they were exaggerating...

2010-04-20T19:31:00.002-04:00

...but my stomach really DOES feel like it's about 5 inches down from my throat. which feels just *sooooo* good when i'm trying to eat. or when i have heartburn - which is ALWAYS!!!

...but i DO feel like i have to pee all. the. time. even right AFTER i pee!!! and then when i go and look forward to the "great release", it's just a few sprinkles. no satisfaction, i tell you.

...but i AM tired pretty much always now. walking upstairs in exhausting. breathing in deeply is almost uncomfortable. getting in and out of my husband's regular-sized suv hurts. like, "down there".

...but my hips are SURELY breaking in half like a wishbone. i KNOW it's not just stretching and moving and whatnot. SURELY my bones are slowly cracking into millions of tiny fractures. that's the ONLY explanation for this kind of pain.

but i'm 30 weeks today. THIRTY WEEKS, people. THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT! probably about FORTY WEEKS ago, i thought i'd never get to be pregnant, maybe, ever. and here i am. in the home stretch. amazed; excited; in disbelief. cuh-razy.

i can't wait to meet mr. max. i do believe he's going to be the next love of my life.

:)

getting my ass kicked.

2010-04-07T21:11:00.002-04:00

swollen feet.
vagina bone feels like it's breaking.
hip joints hurt like i've been laying on my side on hardwood floors for hours.
officially had to take two of my rings off.
irritable.
irrational.
crying for no apparent reason. (repeat of week 11/12 on that one)
waking up every hour and a half to pee like clockwork.

BUT...
max moves all the time now.
he has "disco parties" as i say because he'll be all quiet, then go apeshit crazy.
my last appointment went perfectly. glucose test was fine; my weight isn't so bad; i'm measuring great; and i get another ultrasound in two weeks!
i'm a two-weeker now!

so all in all, i guess getting my ass kicked is the best feeling in the world.

:)

and i was feeling so good...

2010-03-28T21:44:00.002-04:00

i need some new dresses for a couple showers and weddings in the next couple months. i had been looking online and it just seems like all the maternity dresses out there aren't very "dressy". so i went to a department store and was trying on some super cute sheath dresses in that stretchy material. i found two i love! so i go to pay for them and i asked about the return policy just in case i needed a different size - i mean, one's for april and one's for may; i'll be almost 9 months by then! - so anyway... instead of just telling me to leave the tags on or whatnot, she says, "oh, are you trying to lose weight?"

ummm, wtf?!? i had on my most "i look pregnant" shirt and everything! so i politely say, "well, i'm PREGNANT, so i just want to know i can exchange it in case it gets too tight by the time i need it." THEN, she says, "OH! i couldn't even tell!" and the girl next to her says the SAME THING!!!! yeah, um. i'm almost seven months, man. i thought i was rocking this! now i have a giant complex that i just look really fat. awesome.

bits...

2010-03-24T17:38:00.001-04:00

my feet have officially swollen. one week before my third trimester! oh well.

had my glucose screen this morning; i was so worried about that drink. it wasn't bad - just a really sugary coke!

and now i can't remember anything else i was going to write. :) i'll get back to you.

max's room!!!

2010-02-27T16:28:00.002-05:00

my mom loves to sew. it drove me crazy as a kid. she would insist on making my dresses for easter, weddings, PROM... and they were always way too big. she makes everything else perfectly; just dresses for me could never "fit". i went to prom in a green satin sack. so after that, i saved up to buy my own clothes and she's made quilts, purses, curtains and anything else i've asked for and i love all of it.

and noooooow, she's making all of max's bedding!!! we went this morning to pick out fabrics and i'm soooo excited to see it done! it's going to look sooo cute!

here's a peek:

bits...

2010-02-23T19:02:00.003-05:00

in an effort to better document my pregnancy, i give you "bits"...

- when my bladder gets really full, then i go, i can FEEL everything fall down gradually. it kind of hurts, but it's more weird than anything.

- i have had this headache for 3 days straight.

- max does not like when i sing. he also likes to let me know when i should eat. so far, he's totally cool about me sleeping, which i am quite grateful for. i've read horror stories of being up all night with kicking babies. i'm good with just not singing.

- oh, we named mini Max Christopher. Chris is his daddy's name and we have just always loved 'max'. no one knows an uncool max.

- my usually loose rings are just starting to get tighter. not uncomfortable, but i can see where they're headed.

- i was told by a 13 yr-old boy yesterday that i "look like i ate a baby". ...thanks?

- while i'm definitely rounder, i'm still waiting for the middle belly-button portion of my stomach to round out. it's not a roll, just not ball-shaped yet. and it's annoying me because i guess there's still that "i wonder if she's pregnant or just needs to lay off the cheeseburgers" look on some faces.

- i have mad heartburn. i'm told that means he's hairy. if that's true, he's gonna be a gorilla.

- my boobs had gotten a solid cup-size bigger around 7/8ish weeks, but they've been back to normal since. no new bras! ...yet.

- i heart maternity pants. for real. why does no one wear these on a regular basis?!?! no muffin tops, no fat days, no trying to unbutton lighting fast so you don't pee yourself...

- i still can't believe i'm pregnant. 22 weeks, at that!!!

all bets are closed....

2010-02-05T14:03:00.002-05:00

MINI-D IS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so excited i can't stop smiling. little boys are the cutest! i bought a couple little outfits on my way home; one is a baby jogging suit with a puppy on the front with little puppy ears on the hood. oh. my. GOD! i can't wait to see my little man in it!!!!!!!

simple pleasures...

2010-02-03T09:17:00.002-05:00

in no particular order, these are the things that make me happy.

1. feeling mini-d squirm around in there
2. a clean desk (finished grading all my papers; not just pushed everything onto the bookcase. :) )
3. watching reruns of friends
4. buying a dress and getting to the counter only to find out it's on SALE!
5. friday night with the hubs watching a movie
6. good hair days
7. folded laundry/clean kitchen/dusted furniture
8. showers; wedding or baby
9. using all of my pretty platters when we have a party
10. cupcakes. :)

10 weeks later...

2010-02-03T09:13:00.001-05:00

and i'm sick again. no voice, hacking cough, bad headaches sick. booooo.

so i'm home from work and catching up on my dvr'ed shows and sipping on some oj. 2 more days til we find out if mini is a he or a she!!!!

i mean, i guess...???

2010-01-23T11:58:00.002-05:00

i *think* mini's moving around in there! i've felt this "feeling" in there off and on all this past week. kinda feels like a swooooooosh, or like when you roll your fist against your arm. (did that make sense? i can't explain it right, i think.) it does *not* feel like "bubbles" or "gas". not even like "butterflies". more like .... an elbow rolling across my uterus. i mean, maybe it's a knee or something, but whatever. i'm having a really hard time describing it, which sucks for chris. HE can't feel it from the outside, so he wants to know all about it and i think i just frustrate him when i try. haha.

ALSO - i have gained a total of SIX POUNDS!!! i have NOT been dieting, that's for damn sure, so i'm just happy to be on track. i watched my friend go from 160 to 210 in the first 4 months, (topping out at 270 - THAT was scary.) so i've always been afraid that would be me, too. i LOOK at food and gain weight. but so far, so good!

and i can't wait til the 5th. i can't wait to be able to say 'he' or 'she' with confidence! and the NAMES! we can finally lock down a name!!! so excited!!!

innie or outtie???

2010-01-14T19:09:00.002-05:00

we shall see on february 5th!!!

my doctor was very adamant about doing it at 20 weeks, but i got her down to 19w4d. (go me. haha) it seems like everyone i know who has had a baby or is pregnant gets to find out at 17-18 weeks! oh well, only 3 weeks to wait.

:)

ok. i'm in.

2010-01-02T11:33:00.002-05:00

i guess this is getting more "real" everyday. still not showing, but my normally peaches-n-cream complexion is not so cute anymore. i get at least one breakout a day! arg. and i wake up in the middle of the night having "pulled" my nether-regions. i know, i know, totally normal, but seriously weird! and i cry over the stupidest things. that damn baby commercial where they're all sleeping and cuddly, while watching the blind side, (cried the entire movie. "i just hoo-o-ope he doesn't feel embarrrrr-assed about being so bad at fooootballllllwaaaaaaaa.") when my husband makes his usual no-one-else-would-find-this-funny bad jokes.

so all added up, i'm pretty sure this whole pregnancy thing is going according to schedule and alls well.

and just in case i didn't think so, mrs. doctor lady said everything is growing beautifully and baby's heartbeat is sounding perfect.

yay!

i'm in a weird place, people.

2009-12-26T20:38:00.004-05:00

i'm still having a problem accepting that this is my reality. my pants don't fit, i'm constantly tired, and yet, it's hard to believe i'm really pregnant. and not just pregnant - second trimester pregnant!

when does the fear go away? i always thought "once i see that line" or "once i see that ultrasound" or once i get passed that 12 week mark..." i'd feel better. but while i'm not as pins and needles as week 5, i'm also not where i think most pregnant ladies are at this point.

one more thing to thank infertility for: stealing the excitement away. taking away the "glow" and instead, leaving worry lines in it's place. i'm thankful that i know what i have. i appreciate every day, and that's due to infertility in a weird way. but i just wish i could fully embrace being pregnant and just be all annoying and googly like every other pregnant lady i've ever known.

two nuggets of awesome:

2009-12-14T19:49:00.003-05:00

I'M IN MY SECOND TRIMESTER AS OF TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if you haven't seen jersey shore; you're missing out.

:)

no. no it's not in the water.

2009-12-14T19:40:00.002-05:00

that is the. most. annoying. comment ever!!!

sure, i'm the 4th one to get pregnant at my school this year, but dang! i worked hard for this shit, man!!! i hate when people say "there's something in the water, huh?" like, i just dipped into their little honeypots and got myself pregnant easy-peasy. not that i want to share my ivf business with everyone, but i also don't want to negate the 2 and a half years it took us to get to this point!

what did any of you say to those people? i tried the 'yeah, well we tried for a long time' route and that just raises more questions that i don't feel like talking about.

you know what? my last-year-self just said "waaaah waaaaah" in my head. i should be so lucky why people say i'm drinkin' the water, right?!?!

10w5d...

2009-12-06T19:55:00.004-05:00

i'm almost done with this first trimester business. and *whispers* ...

i'm good at this whole pregnancy thing!

like, i was all worried about not getting sick or feeling gross, and as it turns out, my mom only got nauseous for like, a week, then sailed through all 3 of her pregnancies. AND i went to my last appointment with the RE, and mini-d is perfect! he's* waving, kicking, moving all around and everything! i SAW it!!! that was just batshit crazy, i tell you.

so now, i go to my first OB appointment on thursday, and i'm hoping i get another ultrasound. i could watch that everyday all day for the next 6 months!

here's evidence that there is, in fact, a motherfucking snake on this motherfucking plane:

*i'm using the term "he" because 1) it sounds gross, and 2) i secretly think it's a boy. :)

thankful.

2009-11-25T14:05:00.001-05:00

this thanksgiving, i'm thankful for being pregnant. nothing has made me happier, more scared and freaked-out on a regular basis, or completely school-girl giddy-er. i have waited and yearned and hoped and wished and prayed for longer than one person should have to and all of my dreams have come true.

i can't even imagine next year at this time.

my cup runneth over.

i'm sick and pissed.

2009-11-23T09:13:00.003-05:00

like, "i have a hacking cough, sore throat, stuffy head" sick. so what's a gal to do on a saturday when she wants to find out what she can take? go to publix and ask the pharmacist, right? of course. so homeboy recommends tylenol and robitussin dm. ok. good. so i go ahead and take those minimally as i needed.

then i call my doctor this morning.

she says, "um, you shouldn't be taking anything." oh, ok. so now i feel like a ginormous chump!!! i didn't HAVE to take anything; i just wanted to know what my options were so i could feel better as soon as possible! and now i may have put my nugget in harm's way!

and speaking of my nugget; i have no symptoms again. i know, i know... it comes and goes, up and down, back and forth, yada yada yada. but i feel better when i feel shitty. arg.

and ps - don't ask dr. google when your symptoms go away at 9 weeks. very, very bad idea.

i must be crazy.

2009-11-09T20:52:00.002-05:00

i'm pregnant! me! emmie! is pregnant!!!

after almost 3 years of drugs, procedures, and failures; it's finally happened!

...so why am i still *ever so slightly* crushed - no - not "crushed" - more like the former me of a couple months ago is going through it - when TWO of my close girlfriends announced this same week that they are pregnant too! by accident! (seems as though we're all about 2 weeks apart!) so excited for them - but i still feel that pang of jealousy - AND I'M PREGNANT!

i guess you can take the girl out of infertility; but you can't take the infertility out of the girl. or something like that.

sucking the fun out

2009-11-08T18:15:00.003-05:00

telling people you're pregnant - FINALLY - for the first time should be crazy fun, right? you should giggle and cry and get hugs and giggles and tears from whomever will listen, right??? ESPECIALLY your girlfriends, right???

not me.

not that they haven't gotten excited, or had some giggles; they have. except.

THEN they want to tell me all about their terrible experience, and after a 20-minute diversion into your epidural-not-working-story i get the - "but i'm sure you won't have that problem." or i get bombarded with insurance and maternity leave questions that i have no fucking clue about THEN i'm made to feel stupid for not knowing!

it's like someone made it their job to scare the shit out of me. or stress me the fuck out for fun! wtf?!?!

and, ladies, here's a secret about little ole me: i don't take kindly to people telling me what to do. never have; never will, i'm suspecting. no idea why. i have an authority complex maybe. so when my PEER tells me i should be doing something, or gives unsolicited, opinionated advice, i tend to get quite defensive and bitchy. which they know! it's not like i've never met them before! i had to leave a dinner last night because after listening for TWO AND A HALF HOURS to said annoying stories, i JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! and i just left. probably abruptly. but i seriously was going to blow up.

so yeah. i want the fun part to start happening soon. gushes, giggles, what-names-are-you-thinking-abouts, what-color-do-you-want-to-do-the-nurserys, and stuff. or this is going to be a very lonely 9 months. :)

*addendum*
i think i'm so annoyed because most of my friends are very aware of my struggles, attempts, and failures in the trying-to-make-a-baby adventures. so it's just kinda sucky that they're not more sensitive to what i need right now. or maybe i'm being crazy, expecting people to be psychic. who knows.

waaaaahoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-06T18:01:00.000-05:00

we went in for our first ultrasound today and found...

ONE little heart beating away!!! my little baby!!!

HOLY SHIT.

i'm good. (or bad)

2009-11-03T19:47:00.002-05:00

symptoms back in full force. nausea; boobs; tired... YAY!!!

you know what it was? i didn't feel pregnant, so i was freaking out! so now that i feel uber shitty; i feel great! haha.

confession: i still take a pregnancy test every few days. there is no other therapy as satisfying as turning those things positive!!! chris thinks i'm crazy, of course, but whatever.

6 weeks today...

2009-10-31T16:19:00.002-04:00

and i haven't felt anything since last sunday.

actually - i had some nausea last night, but seriously - other than that, i've had NOTHING all week!!! i was sick, hungry, had tender boobs, and waaaay tired all last week, then it went away!!! i'm still kinda tired, but who knows what that's about.

it is realllllly freaking me out. so i've taken a test everyday and according to those, i'm still pregnant, but still. it's freaking me out.

any ideas? everyone keeps telling me it's early or sometimes it comes and goes, or maybe i'm just lucky... but the PROBlem is, i HAD symptoms, so it's bugging me!!!!

i'm calling monday. and my sonogram is friday, which is 6weeks6days. i'm going nutty.

randoms:

2009-10-25T19:44:00.003-04:00

A) nina-douchebag had scheduled me for my 2nd beta on friday. got there and then she tells me, "no, you come in on novemeber 6th for your ultrasound..." oh, ok. i only drove an hour to get here, but whatever. so no 2nd beta for me. that kind of sucks.

B) my boobs are out. of. control. i'm regularly a D-DD, people, so this is just crazy. good thing frederick's goes up to FF.

C) i secretly LOVE feeling sick. sometimes it's in the morning on my drive to work, sometimes it's after lunch, sometimes, if i walk passed a smoker i feel like hurling... i love it. keep it up, nausea! i bet gals who just 'get pregnant' complain all the time about it. not, i, i say! i have longed for years to have morning sickness. love love love it.

D) i have gained 7 pounds since tuesday. ummmm, WHATTHEFUCK?!?!? yeah, i'm eating more, but i'm not crazy! like, i feel physically hungry all the time, so i eat a little bit all the time. but, like a wheat pita with a little peanut butter, so a handful of goldfish, or some apple slices. SEVEN POUNDS?!?!?! fuckyou, pcos. not ok. i'm calling tomorrow.

and lastly E) my husband is cooking bacon right now and i might puke right here all over my laptop.

470!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-21T19:15:00.001-04:00

that's my first beta level!!!!

motherfucking 470!!!!!!!!!!! holy crap.

so yeah, i'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E-LEV-ENdp3dt

2009-10-20T19:51:00.002-04:00

holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap.

at 7:30 tomorrow morning i will be in the blood chair.

hopefully by 2ish, they'll call me and tell me i'm PANCAKES!!!!

...the hubs and i had to come up with code-words. because they'll probably call while i'm in the middle of a class, and i can't very well shout "I'M PR------" in a room full of 13 year olds. so the code is 'pancakes' for POSITIVE; 'cabbagesoup' for NOT-SO-POSITIVE. (after my husband's DISASTROUS attempt at making ham and cabbage soup; homeboy substituted ROSEMARY for ham. ?!?!?!?! yes, it was as horribly, horribly disgusting as it sounds.)

so, think PANCAKES people!!!!!!!!!!!

10dp3dt

2009-10-19T18:56:00.001-04:00

made it to today without any auntie flow showing up!!! this was my mini-milestone. last time, i got a maaaaaad period 2 days before my beta test.

and i changed my test to WEDNESDAY MORNING instead of FRIDAY!!!!!! only TWO more 'sleeps' as my friend told me. wooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!

keep those ju-ju thoughts coming!

8dp3dt

2009-10-17T16:59:00.003-04:00

still nothing going on. can't decide if that's good or bad. do you feel anything this soon? mr. google says sometimes. i'm going to stop asking him, though. he freaks me out.

6dp3dt

2009-10-15T20:39:00.001-04:00

six days!!! it's been six days!!!

no symptoms or anything.

ok. that's all i got. :)

5dp3dt

2009-10-14T19:44:00.002-04:00

should i be feeling something? other than that whole progesterone thing (ewwww, btw.) i'm just going about my usual business. but, usual business while maybe P-------! (not saying the word for a very long while. bad juju.)

the hubs got me a little medallion of the patron saint of fertility (gerard). where does he find this stuff??? i kept it in my pocket allllll day and rubbed it and hopefully gave myself some good vibes.

:)

3dp3dt

2009-10-12T19:16:00.002-04:00

back to work today. the doctor told me to try to steer clear of stairs, heavy lifting, exercise, and whatnot. good thing i only teach 7th grade on the second floor of a gigantic middle school with no adult bathrooms in sight! (sarcasm, people.)

i took the stairs down, but tried to take the elevator up mostly. i did not have to do any heavy lifting - you'd be surprised how badly even the asshole kids want to be helpful. :)

and the exercise? who are we kidding here. i can't even SEE the wagon anymore. i'll worry about that later.

no symptoms today. no twingies or anything. well, maybe when i'm sitting for a little bit. (and trust me, i know i can't "feel" my baby or anything. i just want to remember what all happened.)

the BIG NEWS!!!! ---- we had THREE TO FREEZE!!!!! three whole, grade-a embryos!!! sure, sure, that's good, whatever. BUT NO!!! last time, not only did our ivf not work, but NONE of our eggs made it to freeze. talk about kicking a dead horse, man. that's why i was sooooo excited when mr. embryologist told me that news today. poor guy was like, "um, ok. so that's it. i'm gonna get off the phone now....", as i gushed and gushed thank yous. so, happy news!

and i have to put this out there. and i am WARNING you, this is gross.

i was put on endometrin (progesterone suppositories) since retrieval. and it is the. grossest. thing. ever!!!! i've never been a "pad" gal and this is just like my own personal hell here. i'm leaky alllllll day. i even made a special call to the doctor because SURELY this is not normal, right??? um, no. i asked about the progesterone-in-oil shots and she said it's 'six to one, half a dozen to the other'. deal with the leaks or the ass you can't sit on. gimme another coupla days and i may be there.

2dp3dt

2009-10-11T19:58:00.002-04:00

is sunday considered 2 days or 3? if i had my transfer on friday? hmmm. i guess i'll stick with 2 since i called yesterday 1, huh.

anyhoo.

nothing much going on over here. i'm just trying to keep track of symptoms and whatnot, so feel free to skip any posts until the 23rd.

just some twinges yesterday and today. not quite cramps, but enough to be uncomfortable; more like my uterus making sure i know she's there. "hellllllooooooooooo!!!" like your aunt would say. not like, "EMILY CATHERINE, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!" like your (my) mom would say.

i just compared actual cramps to my mother's angry voice. good thing she doesn't know i blog, huh?

:)

1dp3dt

2009-10-10T11:21:00.002-04:00

is that how you abbreviate the days after ivf? one-day-past-three-day-transfer? i think so. in any case, it's been 24 hours. we transferred 3 perfect little 8-cell embryos and i hope one or two of them are getting all nestled in my nether-regions.

we decided on 3 because, well, we did three last time (on the advice of the nurse) and none of them took, so why not do three again, right?

except when the nurse asked and we said 3, she was all, "i just want to make sure you are aware of the complications associated with triplets..." ummmm, triplets?!?! sooooooo not what we're going for. we're hoping for one little, tiny mini-d. mayyyyyyybe 2. but 3?!?! holy shit, i have palpitations just thinking of it.

but, the hubs and i talked and decided that if we did 2 and it didn't work, we'd be mooooore upset and wonder what if.

so. the 23rd is my bloodtest. i shall be on pins and needles til then.

nine!!!

2009-10-07T11:00:00.002-04:00

we have nine good embryos!!! wooohooooooo!!!

so friday is the transfer and i get to take a valium! haha.

HOWever. the hubs and i were talking finance last night and now i'm freaked. we have debt (who doesn't - right?), and we're not saving right now. i am super freaked. i know we can get on track, but this summer kicked our ass. so now i'm scared of getting pregnant. i have only said that on here cuz, really - it only just hit me yesterday. diapers, formula, cribs (i have a feeling i'm bound for multiples.), clothes, DAYCARE!!! what do women do?!? it's not like i'm the only one out there who would need daycare, right? it's not ideal, but this is the world we live in. how do people own a house, pay their bills, AND afford hundreds of dollars A WEEK for someone ELSE to watch their kids??? ugh.

brain meltdown.

let's just get through the transfer, shall we.

TWENTY-TWO?!?!?

2009-10-06T16:24:00.002-04:00

no WONDER my ovaries were baseball-esque for the last few days. now, i know that's just the preliminary number and we need to see how many are mature and then how many fertilize, but seriously?! 22?!?! last time around, i had only gotten 11 and 10 were mature. they are icsi'ing all of them, so i'm hoping for some to freeze. woop woop!!!

baseballs.

2009-10-05T18:51:00.001-04:00

my ovaries feel like two heavy baseballs under my stomach. good lord, i don't remember them hurting like this last time.

also, (and this may be tmi, but whatever.) my boobs are out. of. control. can't touch 'em. can't sleep on 'em. daaaaaaaamn. putting a bra on this morning took some work. i remember this after the transfer, but before retrieval??? i guess it's the hsg. not a huge fan of the painfulness.

tuesday, Tuesday, TUESDAY!

2009-10-04T18:41:00.000-04:00

retrieval scheduled for TUESDAY MORNING! holy crap!!!!!

nina douchebag.

2009-10-02T19:21:00.002-04:00

that's her name. at least, that's what my husband and i call her. to each other, to our friends, to gayle, her co-worker (boss lady, i think) who is also aware of her incompetence, and pretty much anyone who listens. the medical assistant slash clinical research coordinator in charge of my ivf. the one who has to poke me 8 times before hitting a vein, and even then, she finally just resorts to moving the needle around till she gets it. the one who has no clue about my ivf process, but yet is somehow a "coordinator". yeah. it's awesome. i can't figure out if she's actually that fucking stupid, or if she's messing with me for fun.

first it was not calling me back.

then it was calling me back to tell me she doesn't know the answer to ANY of my questions. wtf?! why did you call?!?!?

THEN it was forgetting to schedule my appointment, so when i DROVE A FUCKING HOUR to the office, they had no clue why i was there and weren't ready to see me. oh, and that's happened more than once.

NOW it's giving me 25 vials of menopur to start, then an additional 5 earlier this week. what's wrong with that you ask? ummm, i was on 2 for 2 days. then my doctor upped it to 3. i'm on day 10. yes, you are correct - i only have 2 vials left, so i need to get more tomorrow from the office. SATURDAY. i already have an appointment on SUNDAY MORNING AT SEVENFUCKINGTHIRTYAM . so when i call the cool lady's cell phone (gayle - nice one i'd rather deal with), she asks me why i don't have enough. i explain. she says my "chart states nina (douchebag) gave me 30 vials to start, then 5 more this week, for a grand total of 35 vials", meaning i should have more than enough for tomorrow night.

THIS BITCH CAN'T COUNT!!!!

WHAT IF SHE HAS FUCKED ME ALL UP?!?!?! now i have this nugget in my head that if i don't get pregnant, it's nina douchebag's fault!

ugggg.

2009-09-27T17:34:00.002-04:00

i have had a massive headache for 24 straight hours. i've had one come on every night for last 4 or so days, but usually, i just go to sleep and it goes away.

not this time.

holy crap, my eyeballs feel like they're trying to bust out of my head. maybe it's because my doctor raised my menopur from 2 to 3 each night. i feel exxxxxtra crazy lately.

but! hopefully, this all works out and the headaches won't be for nothing. so far, the tentative retrieval date is oct. 5th or 6th. ONE WEEK!!! holy crap.

nancy's 25!

2009-09-14T20:41:00.003-04:00

i copied this from nancy. (i'd link to her blog, but that's something i have not yet figured out, so just go over there ------> and click on it.)

"25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date?
aaron carlson. he called 'dibs' at our pre-dinner to everyone at our table. at a japanese restaurant. with strangers.

2. Do you still talk to your first love?
nope. we broke up; he started dating a friend; then married his ex; and confessed his love for me years later via myspace. weird.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
kahlua and pepsi. everything goes with coke, right? um, no.

4. What was your first job?
claire's boutique. i remember the manager was waaaaaay into her job. and SERIOUS about hairbows. we all had to wear a different one every shift.

5. What was your first car?
juanita; the puerto-rican-plaid '86 dodge 600 convertible with maroon pleather interior and lexus seat covers my dad gave me. i loooooooved that car.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?
lauren; i told her i almost jumped out of my moving vehicle (see other post) and she responded with 'don't do it, you don't have anyone to cover homeroom.' good advice.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
the topher. he snores and is a bear to wake up.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
i forget her name, but she was a nun. said nun was also my brownies leader and she was mean.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
to new york for my grandpa's funeral.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
anne erismen. and no, i haven't spoken to her in probably 20 years.

11. Where was your first sleepover?
sara sansone's. she was a brat.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today?
chris.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
my friend, chantel's when i was 20. we wore such cheesy dresses because none of us knew what weddings were about yet.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning?
washed my face, did my hair, gave myself a shot. woohoo!

15. What was the first concert you went to?
live. they were really good as i recall.

16. First tattoo?
a lame chinese character that i later had covered up with a solid pink star.

17. First piercing?
ears.

18. First foreign country you went to?
mexico for our honeymoon. only venture out of the u.s. so far.

19. First movie you remember seeing?
et. i wanted to be gertie.

20. What state did you first live in?
ohio

21. Who was your first room mate?
ruby jiminez. she was gross.

22. When was your first detention?
one and only; the day of powder puff because my friend and i forged a hall pass. we were soooo bad. :)

23. (samcy didn't have a #23 and neither do i!)

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
french.

25. Who will be the next person to post this?
no idea!

oh geez.

2009-09-14T20:30:00.001-04:00

i had my first firemonster meltdown this morning on my way to work. my seatbelt kept locking and i couldn't pull it around. thank god i had my windows shut. i was screaming bloody murder and sweating and everything. all was over within 2 minutes.

cut to this evening, where the hubs and i are watching the end of the vma's on dvr. beyonce gave taylor 'her moment' and i'm crying like a little girl. crying over the vma's people.

i'm on drugs.

;)

bang!

2009-09-12T11:22:00.002-04:00

today marks day numero uno of taking shots. just the lupron for now, but i anticipate firemonsteryness for the next few days while i'm still on the pill as well.

thumbs up for kicking down doors! (both metaphorically and literally. don't judge me - i was all hopped up on hormones and it made sense at the time.)

:)

on another note, i'm going to one of those 'paint your own pottery' places tonight!!! while it's not like sitting at a wheel and doing it yourself, this is the first time i've gotten creative with ceramics since college and i'm excited!!! maybe i'll post a pic (if i can figure out that whole mess) when i get it back from being fired.

twins.

2009-09-11T20:16:00.003-04:00

my very good co-worker friend did ivf recently and had quite the experience with it. postponed transfer, tilted uterus, cervix not dilated.... etc. i genuinely felt horrible for her.

but, she had the transfer, went crazy for 2 weeks, got a BFP, and had her first sonogram today.

and as you may have guessed - twins! holy crap. i was so excited for her. i thought she was messing with me, but she was just in shock. ha!

so i was telling another friend and her response was similar to mine, but then she says, "i hope she didn't steal your baby juju! hahaha."

WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?!?! and why does it bother me so much???? now, all i can think of is that my very good friend, who is so super-supportive of me and my ventures, has now stolen my juju. i want to be as positive as humanly possible this go-round, but with stupidass people like this, how the eff can i???

i need positive shit around me. i hate yoga though. i need to center my chi or whatever. and i cannot use ice cream as the answer.
*sidenote* - even though i TOTALLY co-sign on ben and jerry renaming their classic 'hubby hubby'. i knew i loved them. see?! sending positive messages out into the universe via ice cream?! i need something like that.

but i digress. i start lupron tomorrow morning and i am going to think *happy* thoughts. so think some for me, too.

:)

having a moment.

2009-08-23T18:57:00.002-04:00

the best friend called with some "news". yep. she's pregnant. again. without trying. i love her. i do. and i flipped out on the phone and was sooooooo happy for her - still am. i just hate that little twinge in the back of my uterus, er, head that is sad. that brings the grand total up to 4 pregnant ladies in my life. and several more are 'trying', so the number is sure to skyrocket soon.

ps - i'm on day 1 of loestrin. the ivf ball is officially rolling, so please pray to god, buddha, allah, or whoever you choose that i, rademmie, get to be a mom soon.

i'm a big fat, giant fat fatty.

2009-08-12T14:02:00.002-04:00

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

my summer's goal was to lose 20 pounds. not only did i not reach that goal, i gained about 10!!!

10 pounds, people!!!

granted, i just got back from my husband's family reunion. when i say they don't eat healthy food, i mean it. like, cake, chips, pasta, fried everything are all daily occurences. i didn't go crazy, but when there's nothing in the house but crap, it's hard to be good. i'm hoping at least 3-5 of those pounds are related to all the salt i've had. that'll be encouraging in a day or two when i've got a good lead.

problem is, i should be starting the ivf process very soon, and i gained about 13 pounds on those drugs even while i was seriously dieting and working out. i need a miracle. a skinny-me miracle.

if it's not one thing...

2009-08-04T17:44:00.003-04:00

does anyone else have a completely clueless mother???????? i can't tell you how many times i've explained the. whole. infertility. THING to her, and yet, she STILL says the most offensive, inappropriate things. unwittingly, of course. she's not mean or uncaring, i think she's just (lack of better term) stupid!!!!!

once, in the midst of my crying that "i'll neeeeveeeeeer get pregnant *sob sob sob*", homegirl says to me, "well, look on the bright side... now you'll have more time to travel." WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

and don't even get me started on how many times i've told her what pcos is. and every time, after a long, awkward pause, she says something like, "well, you never can tell" or "relax, stop thinking about it" or, my personal favorite, "isn't there a pill for that? ask your doctor to take the pill you need." OH! OF COURSE!!! why hadn't i thought to ask for a magic FUCKING PILL?!?!?!?!?!?

so today, when explaining that i have a consult appointment for the new ivf study, she asks me what ivf is.

sit on that for a second.

ummmm. remember LAST summer when your daughter couldn't leave the house for a week after a failed ivf that was maybe the most traumatic experience of her life? remember her telling you all about 'those shots and stuff' she had to do every night? remember her crying uncontrollably on the phone because her hormones were so crazy that your questions - that she's answered several times before - made her turn into niagra falls?

oh no?

well, let me explain again. UUUUUUUUGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i might be more understanding (and i was) if i had only been doing this for a few months and was still in the beginning stage, but come on. i'm knee deep in this shit. hell - arm deep!!! it been almost 3 years and i've done everything you can do. she's heard about it all and yet, each time the conversation comes up, she plays dumb. IT IS SO MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATING!!!!!!!!

ok. let me just say that my mom is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has always been supportive of me in everything i do and she could not love me more. i just think that this particular subject makes her uncomfortable, even though she wants to hear it.

it just makes me sad that the one thing that is so important to me, the one thing a daughter should be able to talk to her mother about, is the one thing that i feel like i can't talk to her about without wanting to slam the phone into the wall and rip my (or her) hair out.

take 2

2009-07-17T13:04:00.003-04:00

i was called by my re's office today. they are recruiting for the ivf/pcos study in the fall and i was numero uno on the list. she asked some questions, 'have you been diagnosed with pcos?', 'do you have male factor infertility?', 'blah blah blah...'.

so i'm in.

the catch? this study is double the price; $6,000. to which i replied, "huh. well, ok." did i consult the hubs? nope. if my only hope is ivf, isn't half-price better than nothing??? yes. yes, it is.

he's fine about it. i did tell him i felt bad for not consulting him and just saying 'yes', but he gets it. i'm excited about having a plan and he is too.

so now, we wait. we get skinny, but we wait. i'm going to try to give myself all possible advantages i can. so, skinny, skinny, skinny!

time bomb.

2009-07-07T19:34:00.003-04:00

my last friend to have a baby will be celebrating said baby's first birthday next month. i was invited to the party, to make her tutu, and to make a giant cupcake for the birthday girl. this can only mean one thing.

someone's next.

we went through quite a baby storm for a couple years there. some planned, some not-so-planned, some straight-up tear-inducing where i was put in the position to comfort a friend who thought her life was over and how could this happen to me what am i going to do?!? (---yeah. i earned my wings in heaven on that one. no blood was shed or anything.)

so who will it be??? one is openly "trying", but not really doing much about the technicalities. one swears she's not, but is most definitely. maybe even #2 for a couple of them. then there's me. most of them have stopped asking when we're having babies at this point.

and when the lucky lady makes the big announcement, i'm not sure how i'm going to feel. that is so horrible! of course, i'll be happy that they are so happy and they're dreams came true, but i have a feeling i'm going to want to go home and have myself an ice cream party and tear session. actually, thinking about this scenario is making me want to start the shame-spiral portion of this program early.

*must start thinking happy thoughts must start thinking happy thoughts*

happy thought #1: i've decided that before i die, i am going to own a pair of sickeningly expensive heels. like, mortgage payment expensive. just to say i do. i might even throw in a pair of pricey jeans when my ass is all soap-opera-hot.

poor.

2009-06-30T09:57:00.002-04:00

this SUCKS!!!!!!!!

my paychecks are like, a third of what they are normally and now we're broke as a joke for the ENTIRE summer. like, we were just discussing what we are going to eat for the next 2 weeks. good thing i started my serious diet again. eggs, turkey, meat or fish. it's just so fucking STRESSFUL! arg.

i just thought that if that ivf had worked, we'd have a 3 month old right now, too. granted, that would have changed EVERYTHING, but at least we're just doing this with the 2 of us.

AND while i'm wishing for august, so we'll be back to normal; saving money, paying bills the day we get them, etc... i DO NOT want to start working again! i love reading, watching tv, going tubing, walking and all that with NO SCHEDULE.

so, yeah. we did not plan accordingly this year.

red eyes.

2009-06-22T23:18:00.005-04:00

i've turned into quite the crier. thank you SO much, pcos!

went to my doc this morning for my exit interview. no babies. my consolation prize is one round of 50 mg of clomid and $500. fair? i think not.

so i'm going to be back on metformin and whatnot AND he told me there's a study coming up for ivf for women with pcos. !!! i told him i don't want to do it again before i lose a bunch more weight, but he said any weight is good weight to lose, but not to overdo it. then i mentioned how the last ivf didn't work and he told me that may be in large part to the kind of drugs i was on. this study is specifically for pcos, so he thinks the "outcome would be much more positive." i'll take it.

then i watched jon and kate plus 8.

is anyone else just depressed after seeing this?! so sad. and i'm seriously no sap - but that was bad. i really want to be on jon's side and say kate is a shrew... but earrings??? a porshe??? saying he's only 32 and has his whole life ahead of him??????? i'm surprised she hasn't strangled him yet. did it sound like they did therapy or anything? i didn't get that impression, and that just seems crazy.

anyhoo. this whole pcos/infertility/baby-wanting thing is getting draining. i keep reading other blogs and it seems like no one with pcos is ever getting pregnant! maybe i'm just sensitive to it, but seriously. i need some good news or SOMEthing.

and i miss my grandma.

this post is full of s* and f* and b**** : you've been warned.

2009-05-18T20:16:00.004-04:00

had my 1st u/s on friday and it showed one dominant follicle at 13mm! for me, that's just crazy! day 10?! normal follicles? holy shit. so yeah, i spent my weekend daydreaming about how this is fi-na-lly going to work and what colors this, and which theme that.

then i go in this morning for my next u/s and it's just like every time before. same 13mm one, then a couple at 10mm. the tech (who is super nice and always tries to make you laugh, but sometimes needs to just shut up) told me to "just keep doing what you're doing; it'll be fun no matter what!" um, no, bitch. scheduled sex is extremely far from fun. (well, not extremely, i guess. haha) i got my eyes on the prize and i don't need her telling me this 'maybe' shit. she said "who knows what happened over the weekend; that 13mm one may have grown and this is a new one...." as she trailed off. shouldn't you know that? why can't i get a motherfucking straight answer from anyone!?!?

so then i spent the rest of the day wallowing and not wanting to speak to a single person, which is bad when you teach 7th grade. the hormones alone should qualify me for paid time off so i don't starngle a kid. let alone it being 12 days til school's out and they are straight-crazy.

i'm still in wallow-mode and may be here for an indefinite amount of time. feel free to join. haha.

hodgepodge

2009-05-08T19:51:00.003-04:00

my laptop is being weird. i'll be typing and all of a sudden - the cursor moves and starts typing in the middle of another word. arg. anyhoo.

i started another clinical trial today. lutrepatch, anyone? i have to wear it for 21 days, changing it once in the morning (6:10 to be exact!) and once at night (7:30). it pulsates every 90 minutes when it's dosing and kind of feels like a mild tattoo. like, it stings! not pain, exactly, but quite uncomfortable.

anyone else out there in the cyberworld do this and had a positive (BABY!) outcome? or know of someone?

sidenote: a good friend of mine is doing her first ivf and her transfer is sunday. mother's day. her due date *would* be around valentine's day. good signs. she's seen me through all my nonsense, so i told her it will obviously work for her; odds what they are, it didn't work for me, so process of elimination!
in a perfect world, this stupid trial would miraculously work and we'd be *the p-word* together.

*sigh* feels like a pipedream. who knows WHEN that will ever happen.

totally off-subject:
my grandma died last sunday. i was extremely close to her and am having a rough time. i'd like to think she now knows how hard all this baby stuff is for me and will give me some juju. (i never got into it with her because in the end, she wasn't quite all there and i didn't want to just confuse her more.) it would be nice. i miss her.

on a lighter note: school's out in 17 (school) days! woohoo.

debbie downer meets bitter betty.

2009-04-07T17:54:00.003-04:00

i hate when normal, lucky people are having an existential meltdown.

"what next?" bullshit. you'll decide it's time for baby #2, get pregnant tomorrow, birth a perfect baby girl (because baby #1 is a perfect baby boy, of course), and live happily ever after.

how do i know?

because you asked that question 6 years ago when you and your high school sweetheart had been together for 8 years and he proposed.

and because you asked that question after living happily ever after as husband and wife for 2 years and decided to have a baby - AND YOU GOT PREGNANT THAT WEEK!!!!!!!!

then there's me; who's been asking that question for what seems like forever and i never really get an answer. marraige, house, babies. that's how it's supposed to go. but my record is stuck on 'skip' and it's like groundhog's day every holiday. "next easter, maybe we'll have to buy a cute little easter dress..." NOPE.

i'm feeling a pretty bitter right now. all because my fertile friend can't decide what to do; be able to get drunk on her birthday this month, or wait til next month to get pregnant. because it's all so simple for the normal, lucky people.

to muddy buddy or not to muddy buddy?

2009-03-18T21:17:00.003-04:00

my friend asked me to do the muddy buddy with her in may. 3 miles running and 3 miles of biking, both in intervals. there's obstacle courses and a huge mud pit at the end. looks soooooo fun! EXCEPT!--- i've been trying to dabble in running lately, so i've been cross-training on my walks. i usually go about 3 miles, and now i run almost half. now, that's nowhere NEAR acceptable for this kind of race, but maybe i could super-train. i mean, you get to dress up in costumes!

some people like marathons; i like races with mud, costumes, and a beer garden at the end!

on the baby front:
we signed up for another study. this one's for a clomid-esque drug (forget the name; totally safe, just in patch form). so i stopped all my meds 2 weeks ago and i'm currently trying to trick mother nature beofre i start the study. a friend of mine with pcos went off the pill, and because her girly parts were still in working order, she got pregnant that month she got off!!! so i'm hoping i have that kind of luck! today is CD 12 and we're doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

maybe that last part was tmi, but i love me some ll cool j!!!

:)

a new way to waste time.

2009-03-14T23:16:00.001-04:00

hello, my name is emmie and i'm addicted to twitter.

correction

2009-02-24T20:41:00.001-05:00

i posted about 'that lady in california' way too early. homegirl's straight crazy.

i hope the dcf comes after her and puts all of those babies in good, happy homes.

uh-oh.

2009-02-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

my 6-month follow-up is next monday. yeah. ummmmm. i've lost 15 pounds since october. *hopefully* i won't get yelled at.

and why are people so friggin insensitive?!?!?!? one of my friends - one who knows ALL my business - is just starting to ttc numero uno and feels it necessary to give me every play-by-play. when, how, what her due date will be, what she's going to register for, how can she take off work for dr. appts?, do i like the name 'dane'?, etc...

seriously?! i love her, but she's driving me crazy.

wow.

2009-01-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

a lady in california just gave birth to 8 healthy babies. perfect.

a bad day.

2009-01-24T23:11:00.003-05:00

i went to my friend's kid's birthday party today. he turned 2. it didn't even occur to me i would be uncomfortable.

i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.

people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.

then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.

and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.

'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.

i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.

pass the candy, please.

2008-11-05T22:18:00.002-05:00

ugh. i have to go to the doctor on the 21st to get my blood checked. insulin levels and stuff. but along with that, i think i'm getting weighed. this appointment will be 2 months after my last one and i'm fairly certain i'm supposed to have lost at least 15 pounds; probably closer to 25. weeEEEEeeeell.... i've lost about 5 in the last 6 weeks. mmm-hmmm. between breakdowns, time changes, halloween candy, and the worst substitute you can imagine, i've been a little distracted and really not caring about what i eat. you know what?- i take that back. it's the damn candy. i walk, the sub got fired (dude. whole other story.), and i cry all the time anyway.

but seriously?! if it has peanut butter in it, i love it. and remember those perfect angel children i teach this year? yeah, well they all brought me vanilla tootsie rolls (my all-time fave) and reeses from their personal stashes. one little mention on 'favorites' and i gain a million pounds.
sidenote - funny story - my rows were getting really squished together from 13 year-olds plopping into them all week, and as i was walking up and down handing out papers, i say, "i think it's just adorable that you guys think my butt is small enough to fit in between these desks!" and this little girl who looks like a 5th grader, says, 'but you're skinny enough to fit anyway! look - you're doing it!" i'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or if she was serious, but either way, it made my day! haha.

blah

2008-10-15T22:30:00.003-04:00

that's me. it just hit me again. i've been fine. then my friend has a baby and WHOOSH! all those sad, failure, baby-less feelings come back.

i was looking at the picture she sent me of her and the baby in the hospital and she just looks so supremely at peace and happy.

and while i am so excited and happy for her, the picture made me wonder if i'll ever get to feel like that.

aaaaaaaaaaand... waterworks. time to go.

boo.

2008-09-20T10:58:00.002-04:00

there are no motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.

life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.

married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.

we're good.

2008-08-19T22:28:00.002-04:00

chris' spunk is fine. (haha) "excellent" in fact. so it turns out we really are just unlucky. i have a consultation on friday to see where we should go from here.

on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)

do you...

2008-08-08T20:17:00.002-04:00

ever wonder what the lives of others are really like?

like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.

after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.

i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.

funk.

2008-07-26T23:21:00.002-04:00

i'm in one. i thought i was getting out, but not so much. i see babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. i see happy families at stop lights. all i can think about is having my own and if that will ever actually happen. i find myself becoming insanely jealous of friends who have gotten pregnant by accident. i have a few; one even didn't find out til she was 15 weeks. she had been drinking and smoking weed the whole time and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. i truly don't believe she understands how blessed she is. my friends who have planned their pregnancies, i feel genuine happiness for them. they decided to get pregnant, and they did. i am so happy that it happens that way for them; that they didn't have to go through the months and months of disappointments i have. or have the feeling of complete helplessness when your body just won't do it's job.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.

seroiusly?!

2008-07-22T15:22:00.002-04:00

bad call. very bad call. not pregnant. as suspected, but i was still hoping. i made an appointment for this morning to come in and do my 'exit interview' and have a physical done and to have the 'what-comes-next-talk' with the doc. chris came too. here's how THAT went:

our little visit went worse than the fucking phone call! now, on top of my pcos, we have 'unexplained infertility'. he said they are all baffled that i'm not pregnant. perfect embryos; perfect uterus. i fall into the 20% of women my age who didn't get pregs with ivf on the 1st try. no wonder we lost all our money in vegas. our odds SUCK!!! whatever. so chris had to get his shit checked again because through the ivf, they discovered when his junk and my junk were just put together, nothing happened. they put his junk IN my junk and that's how we got the embryos. they said it could be just really bad luck (probably, the way my life is going) or it could be some chromosomal defect and if that was the case, i would NEVER get pregnant with his sperm. awesome. so they're testing it to see and we should find out in 2 or 3 weeks. he also said it's such a rare condition that there's no real percentages or studies on it, as it's only caught through the in-vitro process. but the infertility dude said in his career, he's only seen this test come back 'abnormal' like 1 or 2 times. so, hopefully our luck gets better soon.

and poison is here tonight and i don't have tickets. boo.

waiting for the call.

2008-07-21T16:16:00.001-04:00

this sucks. my heart jumps every time a hear the smallest noise. it doesn't help that my phone recpetion bars keep dancing back and forth. damn at&t.

i've said about a million hail marys and our fathers today. i hope they get heard.

she's supposed to call by 5. 43 mintues and counting.

not for the timid:

2008-07-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

still rollin with flo. sometimes mother nature is a mother fucker, i tell you. and by the way, who uses pads anymore?! i have felt soooooo gross for last two days! ugh! squishy, gushy, leaky! no thank you. sorry, maybe that was tmi. whatever. it's my blog.

i've been googling and have decided in a last-ditch effort to hang on to my *pregnancy*, that i am not experiencing a period, rather 'decidual bleeding'. turns out you can still be pregnant, but bleed like a period. well, that's me!

as you can tell, i'm doing everything to *make* it true in my head. i want nothing more in the world. i know i'm grasping at straws and the possibilities of my dreams coming true are pretty slim, but if i don't have to face it, i don't want to. i can't believe all those shots were for nothing.

and if i hear my mom say 'things happen for a reason' or 'maybe this is what your body needed to correct itself' (whatthefuckityfuck?!), i might scream.

happy saturday... not really.

2008-07-19T10:54:00.002-04:00

i woke up today after a very trying few days. no symptoms, no anything. i tried to stay busy, not think about it. so when i got up today, i found that i have gotten my period. which is ironic in a few different ways. number 1; i have only gotten my period maybe like 12 times in my life without medical help. number 2; normally, i'd be jumping up and down that my body worked all by itself. and number 3; i have spent the last 3 months doing everything in my power to NOT get my period. shots, ultrasounds, doctor visits... etc.

i am a broken person today.

i have no earthly clue how women have done this 3 or 4 times. i feel like something has been ripped away from me. my dream has been sparkling on a string in front of my face; so close i could touch it. i believed it was mine. i planned in my head all the wonderful things that came along with my shiny dream; telling the new grandparents, first days of school, wedding days. now the harsh, harsh reality is that there will be no telling my parents that good news. there will be no glowing when i go back to work. in fact, the old bags i work with are going to ask about why i don't have babies yet. it's what they do. and i will either crack a joke, or burst out into uncontrollable tears as i've done for the past 3 hours.

i called my doctor and she said sometimes this happens, it's normal. she said to still come in for my blood test on monday, but she "doesn't want to get my hopes up."
when a doctor says 'don't get your hopes up', i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.

poor chris looked just as sad as me, but i think he felt more that he had to be strong and just sit next to me while i cried instead of showing any emotion himself. i feel horribly for letting him do that. now he'll be alone at work all day feeling the same as me and i didn't comfort him at all. i just cried on him all morning. i love him more than anything. he knows just what to say and do. actually, he told me to go buy a new phone. which sounds bad, but it really was the sweetest thing. he knows i want a new one, but we really shouldn't be frivolous right now. but if it would make me happy, he'd want me to do just about anything today. but, no phone. it would be a 'youre-not-pregnant-and-this-is-your-consolation-prize' phone. i don't need one of those.

so i'm a sad girl today. i'm not answering my phone. i'll be watching tv while the dog snores. i'll be googling if anyone has done ivf, gotten a period, and still had a positive blood test. i'll be wondering what the hell i'm gonna do now.

duuuuuuuuuude!!!

2008-07-13T09:20:00.002-04:00

a few things:

first; a rant: damn these celebrities stealing my baby names!!! i mean, i've had them picked out like, forever! (i would only ever admit that here, where the spaces of cyber won't judge me for being lame.) first, christina and j.lo go and name their boys 'max'... now brangelina named their girl 'vivienne'!!! and they even SPELLED it the same way i do!!! SHEESH!!!! now, i'll probably still name my kids maxwell (or maxton - haven't decided) and vivienne, but now i face the possibility of people thinking i'm lame and using celebrity baby names! UGH!!!

second - and probably more understandable and reasonable; how on earth do ladies get through the 2WW?! that's 'two week wait' for all you fertile myrtles. i'm driving myself nutty up in here! SERIOUSLY! it would be one thing if i had a job, but i'm on summer vacation! oh well. one week from today and i'm doing a test. monday's the blood test, anyway. what's a few measly hours??? :)

holy crap!

2008-07-10T18:00:00.002-04:00

ALL five were great!!! we had 3 8-cell embryos which is considered perfect for a 3-day transfer; and the other 2 were 6-cell, which is still good. grade 'b' i think. we implanted the 3 best and will wait 2 days to see if the others will be eligible for cryopreservation.

i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited! i really feel good about this and i have the highest hopes!

as the uterus turns...

2008-07-08T14:53:00.002-04:00

the egg retrieval went 'well', i guess. they got 11 eggs. i went back today for bloodwork and she told me 5 of them fertilized via icsi. the ones that were strictly ivf did not. 5 out of 11. hmmmm. now i'm getting a bit worried because they won't know how many are eligible for transfer until the morning of - thursday. so 2 days of reading blogs, articles, question and answers. awesome.

i need a pick-me-up.

oh wait - big brother starts next week, i found out today. so i got that goin' for me.

i'm on a roll!

2008-07-03T17:31:00.002-04:00

appointment went swimmingly! alls looking good, levels are good, i go back on saturday morning for one last ultrasound and bloodwork. THEN she said more than likely, i'd do my trigger shot that night and come in monday for the retrieval. holy crap!!! it's going according to plan!

except for the 4-pound weight gain. which the nurse said is completely normal and expected what with my elevated estrogen levels. she was so convincing, i'm starting to believe it wasn't from the burrito, graham crackers, chips and salsa, or donut and coffees. ;)

Flamingos, Burritos, Nail Polish, and Novelty Rap.

it's about that time, folks...

"these are my confessssioooooonssss..."

hospitals = no bueno.

once upon a time...

10 months

wow. i am sucking at this.

Survey Sayyyyssssss...

8 month bits...

Let's see...

alive and well.

i don't want to forget...

Day 7 - My Job

Day 6 - Someone that inspires me

Day 5 - My Dreams

Day 4 - My Siblings

Day 3 - My Parents

Day 2 - My Vices

Day 1 - My Best Friend

trying not to slack.

the first month...

the first week.

what they didn't tell me.

june 16th

bedrest sucks.

gestational hypertension

dear max,

shower time!

i thought they were exaggerating...

getting my ass kicked.

and i was feeling so good...

bits...

max's room!!!

bits...

all bets are closed....

simple pleasures...

10 weeks later...

i mean, i guess...???

innie or outtie???

ok. i'm in.

i'm in a weird place, people.

two nuggets of awesome:

no. no it's not in the water.

10w5d...

thankful.

i'm sick and pissed.

i must be crazy.

sucking the fun out

waaaaahoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

i'm good. (or bad)

6 weeks today...

randoms:

470!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E-LEV-ENdp3dt

10dp3dt

8dp3dt

6dp3dt

5dp3dt

3dp3dt

2dp3dt

1dp3dt

nine!!!

TWENTY-TWO?!?!?

baseballs.

tuesday, Tuesday, TUESDAY!

nina douchebag.

ugggg.

nancy's 25!

oh geez.

bang!

twins.

having a moment.

i'm a big fat, giant fat fatty.

if it's not one thing...

take 2

time bomb.

poor.

red eyes.

this post is full of s*** and f*** and b**** : you've been warned.

hodgepodge

this post is full of s* and f* and b**** : you've been warned.

correction