having a moment.

the best friend called with some "news". yep. she's pregnant. again. without trying. i love her. i do. and i flipped out on the phone and was sooooooo happy for her - still am. i just hate that little twinge in the back of my uterus, er, head that is sad. that brings the grand total up to 4 pregnant ladies in my life. and several more are 'trying', so the number is sure to skyrocket soon.

ps - i'm on day 1 of loestrin. the ivf ball is officially rolling, so please pray to god, buddha, allah, or whoever you choose that i, rademmie, get to be a mom soon.

i'm a big fat, giant fat fatty.

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

my summer's goal was to lose 20 pounds. not only did i not reach that goal, i gained about 10!!!

10 pounds, people!!!

granted, i just got back from my husband's family reunion. when i say they don't eat healthy food, i mean it. like, cake, chips, pasta, fried everything are all daily occurences. i didn't go crazy, but when there's nothing in the house but crap, it's hard to be good. i'm hoping at least 3-5 of those pounds are related to all the salt i've had. that'll be encouraging in a day or two when i've got a good lead.

problem is, i should be starting the ivf process very soon, and i gained about 13 pounds on those drugs even while i was seriously dieting and working out. i need a miracle. a skinny-me miracle.

if it's not one thing...

does anyone else have a completely clueless mother???????? i can't tell you how many times i've explained the. whole. infertility. THING to her, and yet, she STILL says the most offensive, inappropriate things. unwittingly, of course. she's not mean or uncaring, i think she's just (lack of better term) stupid!!!!!

once, in the midst of my crying that "i'll neeeeveeeeeer get pregnant *sob sob sob*", homegirl says to me, "well, look on the bright side... now you'll have more time to travel." WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

and don't even get me started on how many times i've told her what pcos is. and every time, after a long, awkward pause, she says something like, "well, you never can tell" or "relax, stop thinking about it" or, my personal favorite, "isn't there a pill for that? ask your doctor to take the pill you need." OH! OF COURSE!!! why hadn't i thought to ask for a magic FUCKING PILL?!?!?!?!?!?

so today, when explaining that i have a consult appointment for the new ivf study, she asks me what ivf is.

sit on that for a second.

ummmm. remember LAST summer when your daughter couldn't leave the house for a week after a failed ivf that was maybe the most traumatic experience of her life? remember her telling you all about 'those shots and stuff' she had to do every night? remember her crying uncontrollably on the phone because her hormones were so crazy that your questions - that she's answered several times before - made her turn into niagra falls?

oh no?

well, let me explain again. UUUUUUUUGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i might be more understanding (and i was) if i had only been doing this for a few months and was still in the beginning stage, but come on. i'm knee deep in this shit. hell - arm deep!!! it been almost 3 years and i've done everything you can do. she's heard about it all and yet, each time the conversation comes up, she plays dumb. IT IS SO MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATING!!!!!!!!

ok. let me just say that my mom is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has always been supportive of me in everything i do and she could not love me more. i just think that this particular subject makes her uncomfortable, even though she wants to hear it.

it just makes me sad that the one thing that is so important to me, the one thing a daughter should be able to talk to her mother about, is the one thing that i feel like i can't talk to her about without wanting to slam the phone into the wall and rip my (or her) hair out.