this post is full of s*** and f*** and b**** : you've been warned.

had my 1st u/s on friday and it showed one dominant follicle at 13mm! for me, that's just crazy! day 10?! normal follicles? holy shit. so yeah, i spent my weekend daydreaming about how this is fi-na-lly going to work and what colors this, and which theme that.

then i go in this morning for my next u/s and it's just like every time before. same 13mm one, then a couple at 10mm. the tech (who is super nice and always tries to make you laugh, but sometimes needs to just shut up) told me to "just keep doing what you're doing; it'll be fun no matter what!" um, no, bitch. scheduled sex is extremely far from fun. (well, not extremely, i guess. haha) i got my eyes on the prize and i don't need her telling me this 'maybe' shit. she said "who knows what happened over the weekend; that 13mm one may have grown and this is a new one...." as she trailed off. shouldn't you know that? why can't i get a motherfucking straight answer from anyone!?!?

so then i spent the rest of the day wallowing and not wanting to speak to a single person, which is bad when you teach 7th grade. the hormones alone should qualify me for paid time off so i don't starngle a kid. let alone it being 12 days til school's out and they are straight-crazy.

i'm still in wallow-mode and may be here for an indefinite amount of time. feel free to join. haha.

hodgepodge

my laptop is being weird. i'll be typing and all of a sudden - the cursor moves and starts typing in the middle of another word. arg. anyhoo.

i started another clinical trial today. lutrepatch, anyone? i have to wear it for 21 days, changing it once in the morning (6:10 to be exact!) and once at night (7:30). it pulsates every 90 minutes when it's dosing and kind of feels like a mild tattoo. like, it stings! not pain, exactly, but quite uncomfortable.

anyone else out there in the cyberworld do this and had a positive (BABY!) outcome? or know of someone?

sidenote: a good friend of mine is doing her first ivf and her transfer is sunday. mother's day. her due date *would* be around valentine's day. good signs. she's seen me through all my nonsense, so i told her it will obviously work for her; odds what they are, it didn't work for me, so process of elimination!
in a perfect world, this stupid trial would miraculously work and we'd be *the p-word* together.

*sigh* feels like a pipedream. who knows WHEN that will ever happen.

totally off-subject:
my grandma died last sunday. i was extremely close to her and am having a rough time. i'd like to think she now knows how hard all this baby stuff is for me and will give me some juju. (i never got into it with her because in the end, she wasn't quite all there and i didn't want to just confuse her more.) it would be nice. i miss her.

on a lighter note: school's out in 17 (school) days! woohoo.

debbie downer meets bitter betty.

i hate when normal, lucky people are having an existential meltdown.

"what next?" bullshit. you'll decide it's time for baby #2, get pregnant tomorrow, birth a perfect baby girl (because baby #1 is a perfect baby boy, of course), and live happily ever after.

how do i know?

because you asked that question 6 years ago when you and your high school sweetheart had been together for 8 years and he proposed.

and because you asked that question after living happily ever after as husband and wife for 2 years and decided to have a baby - AND YOU GOT PREGNANT THAT WEEK!!!!!!!!

then there's me; who's been asking that question for what seems like forever and i never really get an answer. marraige, house, babies. that's how it's supposed to go. but my record is stuck on 'skip' and it's like groundhog's day every holiday. "next easter, maybe we'll have to buy a cute little easter dress..." NOPE.

i'm feeling a pretty bitter right now. all because my fertile friend can't decide what to do; be able to get drunk on her birthday this month, or wait til next month to get pregnant. because it's all so simple for the normal, lucky people.

to muddy buddy or not to muddy buddy?

my friend asked me to do the muddy buddy with her in may. 3 miles running and 3 miles of biking, both in intervals. there's obstacle courses and a huge mud pit at the end. looks soooooo fun! EXCEPT!--- i've been trying to dabble in running lately, so i've been cross-training on my walks. i usually go about 3 miles, and now i run almost half. now, that's nowhere NEAR acceptable for this kind of race, but maybe i could super-train. i mean, you get to dress up in costumes!

some people like marathons; i like races with mud, costumes, and a beer garden at the end!


on the baby front:
we signed up for another study. this one's for a clomid-esque drug (forget the name; totally safe, just in patch form). so i stopped all my meds 2 weeks ago and i'm currently trying to trick mother nature beofre i start the study. a friend of mine with pcos went off the pill, and because her girly parts were still in working order, she got pregnant that month she got off!!! so i'm hoping i have that kind of luck! today is CD 12 and we're doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

maybe that last part was tmi, but i love me some ll cool j!!!

:)

a new way to waste time.

hello, my name is emmie and i'm addicted to twitter.

*correction*

i posted about 'that lady in california' way too early. homegirl's straight crazy.

i hope the dcf comes after her and puts all of those babies in good, happy homes.

uh-oh.

my 6-month follow-up is next monday. yeah. ummmmm. i've lost 15 pounds since october. *hopefully* i won't get yelled at.

and why are people so friggin insensitive?!?!?!? one of my friends - one who knows ALL my business - is just starting to ttc numero uno and feels it necessary to give me every play-by-play. when, how, what her due date will be, what she's going to register for, how can she take off work for dr. appts?, do i like the name 'dane'?, etc...

seriously?! i love her, but she's driving me crazy.