Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a bad day.
i went to my friend's kid's birthday party today. he turned 2. it didn't even occur to me i would be uncomfortable.
i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.
people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.
then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.
and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.
'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.
i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.
i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.
people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.
then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.
and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.
'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.
i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
pass the candy, please.
ugh. i have to go to the doctor on the 21st to get my blood checked. insulin levels and stuff. but along with that, i think i'm getting weighed. this appointment will be 2 months after my last one and i'm fairly certain i'm supposed to have lost at least 15 pounds; probably closer to 25. weeEEEEeeeell.... i've lost about 5 in the last 6 weeks. mmm-hmmm. between breakdowns, time changes, halloween candy, and the worst substitute you can imagine, i've been a little distracted and really not caring about what i eat. you know what?- i take that back. it's the damn candy. i walk, the sub got fired (dude. whole other story.), and i cry all the time anyway.
but seriously?! if it has peanut butter in it, i love it. and remember those perfect angel children i teach this year? yeah, well they all brought me vanilla tootsie rolls (my all-time fave) and reeses from their personal stashes. one little mention on 'favorites' and i gain a million pounds.
sidenote - funny story - my rows were getting really squished together from 13 year-olds plopping into them all week, and as i was walking up and down handing out papers, i say, "i think it's just adorable that you guys think my butt is small enough to fit in between these desks!" and this little girl who looks like a 5th grader, says, 'but you're skinny enough to fit anyway! look - you're doing it!" i'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or if she was serious, but either way, it made my day! haha.
but seriously?! if it has peanut butter in it, i love it. and remember those perfect angel children i teach this year? yeah, well they all brought me vanilla tootsie rolls (my all-time fave) and reeses from their personal stashes. one little mention on 'favorites' and i gain a million pounds.
sidenote - funny story - my rows were getting really squished together from 13 year-olds plopping into them all week, and as i was walking up and down handing out papers, i say, "i think it's just adorable that you guys think my butt is small enough to fit in between these desks!" and this little girl who looks like a 5th grader, says, 'but you're skinny enough to fit anyway! look - you're doing it!" i'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or if she was serious, but either way, it made my day! haha.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
blah
that's me. it just hit me again. i've been fine. then my friend has a baby and WHOOSH! all those sad, failure, baby-less feelings come back.
i was looking at the picture she sent me of her and the baby in the hospital and she just looks so supremely at peace and happy.
and while i am so excited and happy for her, the picture made me wonder if i'll ever get to feel like that.
aaaaaaaaaaand... waterworks. time to go.
i was looking at the picture she sent me of her and the baby in the hospital and she just looks so supremely at peace and happy.
and while i am so excited and happy for her, the picture made me wonder if i'll ever get to feel like that.
aaaaaaaaaaand... waterworks. time to go.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
boo.
there are no motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.
life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.
married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.
i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.
life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.
married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
we're good.
chris' spunk is fine. (haha) "excellent" in fact. so it turns out we really are just unlucky. i have a consultation on friday to see where we should go from here.
on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)
on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)
Friday, August 8, 2008
do you...
ever wonder what the lives of others are really like?
like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.
after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.
i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.
like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.
after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.
i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
