having a moment.

the best friend called with some "news". yep. she's pregnant. again. without trying. i love her. i do. and i flipped out on the phone and was sooooooo happy for her - still am. i just hate that little twinge in the back of my uterus, er, head that is sad. that brings the grand total up to 4 pregnant ladies in my life. and several more are 'trying', so the number is sure to skyrocket soon.

ps - i'm on day 1 of loestrin. the ivf ball is officially rolling, so please pray to god, buddha, allah, or whoever you choose that i, rademmie, get to be a mom soon.

i'm a big fat, giant fat fatty.

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

my summer's goal was to lose 20 pounds. not only did i not reach that goal, i gained about 10!!!

10 pounds, people!!!

granted, i just got back from my husband's family reunion. when i say they don't eat healthy food, i mean it. like, cake, chips, pasta, fried everything are all daily occurences. i didn't go crazy, but when there's nothing in the house but crap, it's hard to be good. i'm hoping at least 3-5 of those pounds are related to all the salt i've had. that'll be encouraging in a day or two when i've got a good lead.

problem is, i should be starting the ivf process very soon, and i gained about 13 pounds on those drugs even while i was seriously dieting and working out. i need a miracle. a skinny-me miracle.

if it's not one thing...

does anyone else have a completely clueless mother???????? i can't tell you how many times i've explained the. whole. infertility. THING to her, and yet, she STILL says the most offensive, inappropriate things. unwittingly, of course. she's not mean or uncaring, i think she's just (lack of better term) stupid!!!!!

once, in the midst of my crying that "i'll neeeeveeeeeer get pregnant *sob sob sob*", homegirl says to me, "well, look on the bright side... now you'll have more time to travel." WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

and don't even get me started on how many times i've told her what pcos is. and every time, after a long, awkward pause, she says something like, "well, you never can tell" or "relax, stop thinking about it" or, my personal favorite, "isn't there a pill for that? ask your doctor to take the pill you need." OH! OF COURSE!!! why hadn't i thought to ask for a magic FUCKING PILL?!?!?!?!?!?

so today, when explaining that i have a consult appointment for the new ivf study, she asks me what ivf is.

sit on that for a second.

ummmm. remember LAST summer when your daughter couldn't leave the house for a week after a failed ivf that was maybe the most traumatic experience of her life? remember her telling you all about 'those shots and stuff' she had to do every night? remember her crying uncontrollably on the phone because her hormones were so crazy that your questions - that she's answered several times before - made her turn into niagra falls?

oh no?

well, let me explain again. UUUUUUUUGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i might be more understanding (and i was) if i had only been doing this for a few months and was still in the beginning stage, but come on. i'm knee deep in this shit. hell - arm deep!!! it been almost 3 years and i've done everything you can do. she's heard about it all and yet, each time the conversation comes up, she plays dumb. IT IS SO MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATING!!!!!!!!

ok. let me just say that my mom is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has always been supportive of me in everything i do and she could not love me more. i just think that this particular subject makes her uncomfortable, even though she wants to hear it.

it just makes me sad that the one thing that is so important to me, the one thing a daughter should be able to talk to her mother about, is the one thing that i feel like i can't talk to her about without wanting to slam the phone into the wall and rip my (or her) hair out.

take 2

i was called by my re's office today. they are recruiting for the ivf/pcos study in the fall and i was numero uno on the list. she asked some questions, 'have you been diagnosed with pcos?', 'do you have male factor infertility?', 'blah blah blah...'.

so i'm in.

the catch? this study is double the price; $6,000. to which i replied, "huh. well, ok." did i consult the hubs? nope. if my only hope is ivf, isn't half-price better than nothing??? yes. yes, it is.

he's fine about it. i did tell him i felt bad for not consulting him and just saying 'yes', but he gets it. i'm excited about having a plan and he is too.

so now, we wait. we get skinny, but we wait. i'm going to try to give myself all possible advantages i can. so, skinny, skinny, skinny!

time bomb.

my last friend to have a baby will be celebrating said baby's first birthday next month. i was invited to the party, to make her tutu, and to make a giant cupcake for the birthday girl. this can only mean one thing.

someone's next.

we went through quite a baby storm for a couple years there. some planned, some not-so-planned, some straight-up tear-inducing where i was put in the position to comfort a friend who thought her life was over and how could this happen to me what am i going to do?!? (---yeah. i earned my wings in heaven on that one. no blood was shed or anything.)

so who will it be??? one is openly "trying", but not really doing much about the technicalities. one swears she's not, but is most definitely. maybe even #2 for a couple of them. then there's me. most of them have stopped asking when we're having babies at this point.

and when the lucky lady makes the big announcement, i'm not sure how i'm going to feel. that is so horrible! of course, i'll be happy that they are so happy and they're dreams came true, but i have a feeling i'm going to want to go home and have myself an ice cream party and tear session. actually, thinking about this scenario is making me want to start the shame-spiral portion of this program early.

*must start thinking happy thoughts must start thinking happy thoughts*

happy thought #1: i've decided that before i die, i am going to own a pair of sickeningly expensive heels. like, mortgage payment expensive. just to say i do. i might even throw in a pair of pricey jeans when my ass is all soap-opera-hot.

poor.

this SUCKS!!!!!!!!

my paychecks are like, a third of what they are normally and now we're broke as a joke for the ENTIRE summer. like, we were just discussing what we are going to eat for the next 2 weeks. good thing i started my serious diet again. eggs, turkey, meat or fish. it's just so fucking STRESSFUL! arg.

i just thought that if that ivf had worked, we'd have a 3 month old right now, too. granted, that would have changed EVERYTHING, but at least we're just doing this with the 2 of us.

AND while i'm wishing for august, so we'll be back to normal; saving money, paying bills the day we get them, etc... i DO NOT want to start working again! i love reading, watching tv, going tubing, walking and all that with NO SCHEDULE.

so, yeah. we did not plan accordingly this year.

red eyes.

i've turned into quite the crier. thank you SO much, pcos!

went to my doc this morning for my exit interview. no babies. my consolation prize is one round of 50 mg of clomid and $500. fair? i think not.

so i'm going to be back on metformin and whatnot AND he told me there's a study coming up for ivf for women with pcos. !!! i told him i don't want to do it again before i lose a bunch more weight, but he said any weight is good weight to lose, but not to overdo it. then i mentioned how the last ivf didn't work and he told me that may be in large part to the kind of drugs i was on. this study is specifically for pcos, so he thinks the "outcome would be much more positive." i'll take it.

then i watched jon and kate plus 8.

is anyone else just depressed after seeing this?! so sad. and i'm seriously no sap - but that was bad. i really want to be on jon's side and say kate is a shrew... but earrings??? a porshe??? saying he's only 32 and has his whole life ahead of him??????? i'm surprised she hasn't strangled him yet. did it sound like they did therapy or anything? i didn't get that impression, and that just seems crazy.

anyhoo. this whole pcos/infertility/baby-wanting thing is getting draining. i keep reading other blogs and it seems like no one with pcos is ever getting pregnant! maybe i'm just sensitive to it, but seriously. i need some good news or SOMEthing.

and i miss my grandma.