i'm in a weird place, people.

i'm still having a problem accepting that this is my reality. my pants don't fit, i'm constantly tired, and yet, it's hard to believe i'm really pregnant. and not just pregnant - second trimester pregnant!

when does the fear go away? i always thought "once i see that line" or "once i see that ultrasound" or once i get passed that 12 week mark..." i'd feel better. but while i'm not as pins and needles as week 5, i'm also not where i think most pregnant ladies are at this point.

one more thing to thank infertility for: stealing the excitement away. taking away the "glow" and instead, leaving worry lines in it's place. i'm thankful that i know what i have. i appreciate every day, and that's due to infertility in a weird way. but i just wish i could fully embrace being pregnant and just be all annoying and googly like every other pregnant lady i've ever known.

two nuggets of awesome:

I'M IN MY SECOND TRIMESTER AS OF TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if you haven't seen jersey shore; you're missing out.

:)

no. no it's not in the water.

that is the. most. annoying. comment ever!!!

sure, i'm the 4th one to get pregnant at my school this year, but dang! i worked hard for this shit, man!!! i hate when people say "there's something in the water, huh?" like, i just dipped into their little honeypots and got myself pregnant easy-peasy. not that i want to share my ivf business with everyone, but i also don't want to negate the 2 and a half years it took us to get to this point!

what did any of you say to those people? i tried the 'yeah, well we tried for a long time' route and that just raises more questions that i don't feel like talking about.

you know what? my last-year-self just said "waaaah waaaaah" in my head. i should be so lucky why people say i'm drinkin' the water, right?!?!

10w5d...

i'm almost done with this first trimester business. and *whispers* ...

i'm good at this whole pregnancy thing!

like, i was all worried about not getting sick or feeling gross, and as it turns out, my mom only got nauseous for like, a week, then sailed through all 3 of her pregnancies. AND i went to my last appointment with the RE, and mini-d is perfect! he's* waving, kicking, moving all around and everything! i SAW it!!! that was just batshit crazy, i tell you.

so now, i go to my first OB appointment on thursday, and i'm hoping i get another ultrasound. i could watch that everyday all day for the next 6 months!

here's evidence that there is, in fact, a motherfucking snake on this motherfucking plane:



*i'm using the term "he" because 1) it sounds gross, and 2) i secretly think it's a boy. :)

thankful.

this thanksgiving, i'm thankful for being pregnant. nothing has made me happier, more scared and freaked-out on a regular basis, or completely school-girl giddy-er. i have waited and yearned and hoped and wished and prayed for longer than one person should have to and all of my dreams have come true.

i can't even imagine next year at this time.

my cup runneth over.

i'm sick and pissed.

like, "i have a hacking cough, sore throat, stuffy head" sick. so what's a gal to do on a saturday when she wants to find out what she can take? go to publix and ask the pharmacist, right? of course. so homeboy recommends tylenol and robitussin dm. ok. good. so i go ahead and take those minimally as i needed.

then i call my doctor this morning.

she says, "um, you shouldn't be taking anything." oh, ok. so now i feel like a ginormous chump!!! i didn't HAVE to take anything; i just wanted to know what my options were so i could feel better as soon as possible! and now i may have put my nugget in harm's way!

and speaking of my nugget; i have no symptoms again. i know, i know... it comes and goes, up and down, back and forth, yada yada yada. but i feel better when i feel shitty. arg.

and ps - don't ask dr. google when your symptoms go away at 9 weeks. very, very bad idea.

i must be crazy.

i'm pregnant! me! emmie! is pregnant!!!

after almost 3 years of drugs, procedures, and failures; it's finally happened!

...so why am i still *ever so slightly* crushed - no - not "crushed" - more like the former me of a couple months ago is going through it - when TWO of my close girlfriends announced this same week that they are pregnant too! by accident! (seems as though we're all about 2 weeks apart!) so excited for them - but i still feel that pang of jealousy - AND I'M PREGNANT!

i guess you can take the girl out of infertility; but you can't take the infertility out of the girl. or something like that.