Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
a bad day.
i went to my friend's kid's birthday party today. he turned 2. it didn't even occur to me i would be uncomfortable.
i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.
people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.
then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.
and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.
'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.
i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.
i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.
people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.
then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.
and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.
'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.
i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.
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