funk.

i'm in one. i thought i was getting out, but not so much. i see babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. i see happy families at stop lights. all i can think about is having my own and if that will ever actually happen. i find myself becoming insanely jealous of friends who have gotten pregnant by accident. i have a few; one even didn't find out til she was 15 weeks. she had been drinking and smoking weed the whole time and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. i truly don't believe she understands how blessed she is. my friends who have planned their pregnancies, i feel genuine happiness for them. they decided to get pregnant, and they did. i am so happy that it happens that way for them; that they didn't have to go through the months and months of disappointments i have. or have the feeling of complete helplessness when your body just won't do it's job.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.

seroiusly?!

bad call. very bad call. not pregnant. as suspected, but i was still hoping. i made an appointment for this morning to come in and do my 'exit interview' and have a physical done and to have the 'what-comes-next-talk' with the doc. chris came too. here's how THAT went:

our little visit went worse than the fucking phone call! now, on top of my pcos, we have 'unexplained infertility'. he said they are all baffled that i'm not pregnant. perfect embryos; perfect uterus. i fall into the 20% of women my age who didn't get pregs with ivf on the 1st try. no wonder we lost all our money in vegas. our odds SUCK!!! whatever. so chris had to get his shit checked again because through the ivf, they discovered when his junk and my junk were just put together, nothing happened. they put his junk IN my junk and that's how we got the embryos. they said it could be just really bad luck (probably, the way my life is going) or it could be some chromosomal defect and if that was the case, i would NEVER get pregnant with his sperm. awesome. so they're testing it to see and we should find out in 2 or 3 weeks. he also said it's such a rare condition that there's no real percentages or studies on it, as it's only caught through the in-vitro process. but the infertility dude said in his career, he's only seen this test come back 'abnormal' like 1 or 2 times. so, hopefully our luck gets better soon.

and poison is here tonight and i don't have tickets. boo.

waiting for the call.

this sucks. my heart jumps every time a hear the smallest noise. it doesn't help that my phone recpetion bars keep dancing back and forth. damn at&t.

i've said about a million hail marys and our fathers today. i hope they get heard.

she's supposed to call by 5. 43 mintues and counting.

not for the timid:

still rollin with flo. sometimes mother nature is a mother fucker, i tell you. and by the way, who uses pads anymore?! i have felt soooooo gross for last two days! ugh! squishy, gushy, leaky! no thank you. sorry, maybe that was tmi. whatever. it's my blog.

i've been googling and have decided in a last-ditch effort to hang on to my *pregnancy*, that i am not experiencing a period, rather 'decidual bleeding'. turns out you can still be pregnant, but bleed like a period. well, that's me!

as you can tell, i'm doing everything to *make* it true in my head. i want nothing more in the world. i know i'm grasping at straws and the possibilities of my dreams coming true are pretty slim, but if i don't have to face it, i don't want to. i can't believe all those shots were for nothing.

and if i hear my mom say 'things happen for a reason' or 'maybe this is what your body needed to correct itself' (whatthefuckityfuck?!), i might scream.

happy saturday... not really.

i woke up today after a very trying few days. no symptoms, no anything. i tried to stay busy, not think about it. so when i got up today, i found that i have gotten my period. which is ironic in a few different ways. number 1; i have only gotten my period maybe like 12 times in my life without medical help. number 2; normally, i'd be jumping up and down that my body worked all by itself. and number 3; i have spent the last 3 months doing everything in my power to NOT get my period. shots, ultrasounds, doctor visits... etc.

i am a broken person today.

i have no earthly clue how women have done this 3 or 4 times. i feel like something has been ripped away from me. my dream has been sparkling on a string in front of my face; so close i could touch it. i believed it was mine. i planned in my head all the wonderful things that came along with my shiny dream; telling the new grandparents, first days of school, wedding days. now the harsh, harsh reality is that there will be no telling my parents that good news. there will be no glowing when i go back to work. in fact, the old bags i work with are going to ask about why i don't have babies yet. it's what they do. and i will either crack a joke, or burst out into uncontrollable tears as i've done for the past 3 hours.

i called my doctor and she said sometimes this happens, it's normal. she said to still come in for my blood test on monday, but she "doesn't want to get my hopes up."
when a doctor says 'don't get your hopes up', i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.

poor chris looked just as sad as me, but i think he felt more that he had to be strong and just sit next to me while i cried instead of showing any emotion himself. i feel horribly for letting him do that. now he'll be alone at work all day feeling the same as me and i didn't comfort him at all. i just cried on him all morning. i love him more than anything. he knows just what to say and do. actually, he told me to go buy a new phone. which sounds bad, but it really was the sweetest thing. he knows i want a new one, but we really shouldn't be frivolous right now. but if it would make me happy, he'd want me to do just about anything today. but, no phone. it would be a 'youre-not-pregnant-and-this-is-your-consolation-prize' phone. i don't need one of those.

so i'm a sad girl today. i'm not answering my phone. i'll be watching tv while the dog snores. i'll be googling if anyone has done ivf, gotten a period, and still had a positive blood test. i'll be wondering what the hell i'm gonna do now.

duuuuuuuuuude!!!

a few things:

first; a rant: damn these celebrities stealing my baby names!!! i mean, i've had them picked out like, forever! (i would only ever admit that here, where the spaces of cyber won't judge me for being lame.) first, christina and j.lo go and name their boys 'max'... now brangelina named their girl 'vivienne'!!! and they even SPELLED it the same way i do!!! SHEESH!!!! now, i'll probably still name my kids maxwell (or maxton - haven't decided) and vivienne, but now i face the possibility of people thinking i'm lame and using celebrity baby names! UGH!!!

second - and probably more understandable and reasonable; how on earth do ladies get through the 2WW?! that's 'two week wait' for all you fertile myrtles. i'm driving myself nutty up in here! SERIOUSLY! it would be one thing if i had a job, but i'm on summer vacation! oh well. one week from today and i'm doing a test. monday's the blood test, anyway. what's a few measly hours??? :)

holy crap!

ALL five were great!!! we had 3 8-cell embryos which is considered perfect for a 3-day transfer; and the other 2 were 6-cell, which is still good. grade 'b' i think. we implanted the 3 best and will wait 2 days to see if the others will be eligible for cryopreservation.


i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited! i really feel good about this and i have the highest hopes!

as the uterus turns...

the egg retrieval went 'well', i guess. they got 11 eggs. i went back today for bloodwork and she told me 5 of them fertilized via icsi. the ones that were strictly ivf did not. 5 out of 11. hmmmm. now i'm getting a bit worried because they won't know how many are eligible for transfer until the morning of - thursday. so 2 days of reading blogs, articles, question and answers. awesome.

i need a pick-me-up.

oh wait - big brother starts next week, i found out today. so i got that goin' for me.

i'm on a roll!

appointment went swimmingly! alls looking good, levels are good, i go back on saturday morning for one last ultrasound and bloodwork. THEN she said more than likely, i'd do my trigger shot that night and come in monday for the retrieval. holy crap!!! it's going according to plan!

except for the 4-pound weight gain. which the nurse said is completely normal and expected what with my elevated estrogen levels. she was so convincing, i'm starting to believe it wasn't from the burrito, graham crackers, chips and salsa, or donut and coffees. ;)

phone call:

blood work tests came back and apparently my estrogen levels were a wee bit HIGH! i'm assuming that's good, as they've always been nonexistent up in here. she cut my meds in half and i go back thursday morning for another check. *fingers crossed* that all goes according to plan and next week is my week!!!

winning the war against my uterus is a good feeling.

i have a case of the mondays on a tuesday morning.

i'm not normally super-pessimistic. nor am i overly optimistic. i'm just super mellow and usually most things don't get to me either way.

today is not that day.

i went to the doctor this morning to get an ultrasound and blood work. my appt. was at 8:30; by 9:30, they finally called my name. !!! the ultrasound was to see how my follicles were progressing. i asked the lady how it looked and she just said something like, "oh, they're looking good - just need to mature a little more..." and she trailed off and started talking about the upcoming weekend. now, this part is MY bad. i didn't demand to see the doctor and have her go over it with me because they were seriously backed up and they said she'd call me about my blood test results later this afternoon.

but now, all i can think of oh my god. why didn't i just get the news over with instead of stewing all day. not healthy. i know. but i'm realllllllllly trying to stay optimistic but it's hard when you've been through this before. not exactly this, but when i was on clomid, it didn't even occur to me that it wasn't going to work and when i went in for my ultrasound, my insides had basically not responded at all. like my ovaries were laughing at the idea that one tiny little pill was any match for them.

but now i'm on heavy-duty hormone shots and it seems my uterus is still putting up a pretty decent fight. so i'm praying that tonight finds me in better spirits with a very uplifting phone call about how i'm upping my shot, i'll be in again on thursday, that ultrasound will go swimmingly; and my retrieval will be scheduled for next week.

that's not too much to ask for, is it?