pass the candy, please.

ugh. i have to go to the doctor on the 21st to get my blood checked. insulin levels and stuff. but along with that, i think i'm getting weighed. this appointment will be 2 months after my last one and i'm fairly certain i'm supposed to have lost at least 15 pounds; probably closer to 25. weeEEEEeeeell.... i've lost about 5 in the last 6 weeks. mmm-hmmm. between breakdowns, time changes, halloween candy, and the worst substitute you can imagine, i've been a little distracted and really not caring about what i eat. you know what?- i take that back. it's the damn candy. i walk, the sub got fired (dude. whole other story.), and i cry all the time anyway.

but seriously?! if it has peanut butter in it, i love it. and remember those perfect angel children i teach this year? yeah, well they all brought me vanilla tootsie rolls (my all-time fave) and reeses from their personal stashes. one little mention on 'favorites' and i gain a million pounds.
sidenote - funny story - my rows were getting really squished together from 13 year-olds plopping into them all week, and as i was walking up and down handing out papers, i say, "i think it's just adorable that you guys think my butt is small enough to fit in between these desks!" and this little girl who looks like a 5th grader, says, 'but you're skinny enough to fit anyway! look - you're doing it!" i'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or if she was serious, but either way, it made my day! haha.

blah

that's me. it just hit me again. i've been fine. then my friend has a baby and WHOOSH! all those sad, failure, baby-less feelings come back.

i was looking at the picture she sent me of her and the baby in the hospital and she just looks so supremely at peace and happy.

and while i am so excited and happy for her, the picture made me wonder if i'll ever get to feel like that.

aaaaaaaaaaand... waterworks. time to go.

boo.

there are no motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.

life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.

married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.

we're good.

chris' spunk is fine. (haha) "excellent" in fact. so it turns out we really are just unlucky. i have a consultation on friday to see where we should go from here.

on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)

do you...

ever wonder what the lives of others are really like?

like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.

after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.

i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.

funk.

i'm in one. i thought i was getting out, but not so much. i see babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. i see happy families at stop lights. all i can think about is having my own and if that will ever actually happen. i find myself becoming insanely jealous of friends who have gotten pregnant by accident. i have a few; one even didn't find out til she was 15 weeks. she had been drinking and smoking weed the whole time and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. i truly don't believe she understands how blessed she is. my friends who have planned their pregnancies, i feel genuine happiness for them. they decided to get pregnant, and they did. i am so happy that it happens that way for them; that they didn't have to go through the months and months of disappointments i have. or have the feeling of complete helplessness when your body just won't do it's job.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.

seroiusly?!

bad call. very bad call. not pregnant. as suspected, but i was still hoping. i made an appointment for this morning to come in and do my 'exit interview' and have a physical done and to have the 'what-comes-next-talk' with the doc. chris came too. here's how THAT went:

our little visit went worse than the fucking phone call! now, on top of my pcos, we have 'unexplained infertility'. he said they are all baffled that i'm not pregnant. perfect embryos; perfect uterus. i fall into the 20% of women my age who didn't get pregs with ivf on the 1st try. no wonder we lost all our money in vegas. our odds SUCK!!! whatever. so chris had to get his shit checked again because through the ivf, they discovered when his junk and my junk were just put together, nothing happened. they put his junk IN my junk and that's how we got the embryos. they said it could be just really bad luck (probably, the way my life is going) or it could be some chromosomal defect and if that was the case, i would NEVER get pregnant with his sperm. awesome. so they're testing it to see and we should find out in 2 or 3 weeks. he also said it's such a rare condition that there's no real percentages or studies on it, as it's only caught through the in-vitro process. but the infertility dude said in his career, he's only seen this test come back 'abnormal' like 1 or 2 times. so, hopefully our luck gets better soon.

and poison is here tonight and i don't have tickets. boo.

waiting for the call.

this sucks. my heart jumps every time a hear the smallest noise. it doesn't help that my phone recpetion bars keep dancing back and forth. damn at&t.

i've said about a million hail marys and our fathers today. i hope they get heard.

she's supposed to call by 5. 43 mintues and counting.

not for the timid:

still rollin with flo. sometimes mother nature is a mother fucker, i tell you. and by the way, who uses pads anymore?! i have felt soooooo gross for last two days! ugh! squishy, gushy, leaky! no thank you. sorry, maybe that was tmi. whatever. it's my blog.

i've been googling and have decided in a last-ditch effort to hang on to my *pregnancy*, that i am not experiencing a period, rather 'decidual bleeding'. turns out you can still be pregnant, but bleed like a period. well, that's me!

as you can tell, i'm doing everything to *make* it true in my head. i want nothing more in the world. i know i'm grasping at straws and the possibilities of my dreams coming true are pretty slim, but if i don't have to face it, i don't want to. i can't believe all those shots were for nothing.

and if i hear my mom say 'things happen for a reason' or 'maybe this is what your body needed to correct itself' (whatthefuckityfuck?!), i might scream.

happy saturday... not really.

i woke up today after a very trying few days. no symptoms, no anything. i tried to stay busy, not think about it. so when i got up today, i found that i have gotten my period. which is ironic in a few different ways. number 1; i have only gotten my period maybe like 12 times in my life without medical help. number 2; normally, i'd be jumping up and down that my body worked all by itself. and number 3; i have spent the last 3 months doing everything in my power to NOT get my period. shots, ultrasounds, doctor visits... etc.

i am a broken person today.

i have no earthly clue how women have done this 3 or 4 times. i feel like something has been ripped away from me. my dream has been sparkling on a string in front of my face; so close i could touch it. i believed it was mine. i planned in my head all the wonderful things that came along with my shiny dream; telling the new grandparents, first days of school, wedding days. now the harsh, harsh reality is that there will be no telling my parents that good news. there will be no glowing when i go back to work. in fact, the old bags i work with are going to ask about why i don't have babies yet. it's what they do. and i will either crack a joke, or burst out into uncontrollable tears as i've done for the past 3 hours.

i called my doctor and she said sometimes this happens, it's normal. she said to still come in for my blood test on monday, but she "doesn't want to get my hopes up."
when a doctor says 'don't get your hopes up', i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.

poor chris looked just as sad as me, but i think he felt more that he had to be strong and just sit next to me while i cried instead of showing any emotion himself. i feel horribly for letting him do that. now he'll be alone at work all day feeling the same as me and i didn't comfort him at all. i just cried on him all morning. i love him more than anything. he knows just what to say and do. actually, he told me to go buy a new phone. which sounds bad, but it really was the sweetest thing. he knows i want a new one, but we really shouldn't be frivolous right now. but if it would make me happy, he'd want me to do just about anything today. but, no phone. it would be a 'youre-not-pregnant-and-this-is-your-consolation-prize' phone. i don't need one of those.

so i'm a sad girl today. i'm not answering my phone. i'll be watching tv while the dog snores. i'll be googling if anyone has done ivf, gotten a period, and still had a positive blood test. i'll be wondering what the hell i'm gonna do now.

duuuuuuuuuude!!!

a few things:

first; a rant: damn these celebrities stealing my baby names!!! i mean, i've had them picked out like, forever! (i would only ever admit that here, where the spaces of cyber won't judge me for being lame.) first, christina and j.lo go and name their boys 'max'... now brangelina named their girl 'vivienne'!!! and they even SPELLED it the same way i do!!! SHEESH!!!! now, i'll probably still name my kids maxwell (or maxton - haven't decided) and vivienne, but now i face the possibility of people thinking i'm lame and using celebrity baby names! UGH!!!

second - and probably more understandable and reasonable; how on earth do ladies get through the 2WW?! that's 'two week wait' for all you fertile myrtles. i'm driving myself nutty up in here! SERIOUSLY! it would be one thing if i had a job, but i'm on summer vacation! oh well. one week from today and i'm doing a test. monday's the blood test, anyway. what's a few measly hours??? :)

holy crap!

ALL five were great!!! we had 3 8-cell embryos which is considered perfect for a 3-day transfer; and the other 2 were 6-cell, which is still good. grade 'b' i think. we implanted the 3 best and will wait 2 days to see if the others will be eligible for cryopreservation.


i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited! i really feel good about this and i have the highest hopes!

as the uterus turns...

the egg retrieval went 'well', i guess. they got 11 eggs. i went back today for bloodwork and she told me 5 of them fertilized via icsi. the ones that were strictly ivf did not. 5 out of 11. hmmmm. now i'm getting a bit worried because they won't know how many are eligible for transfer until the morning of - thursday. so 2 days of reading blogs, articles, question and answers. awesome.

i need a pick-me-up.

oh wait - big brother starts next week, i found out today. so i got that goin' for me.

i'm on a roll!

appointment went swimmingly! alls looking good, levels are good, i go back on saturday morning for one last ultrasound and bloodwork. THEN she said more than likely, i'd do my trigger shot that night and come in monday for the retrieval. holy crap!!! it's going according to plan!

except for the 4-pound weight gain. which the nurse said is completely normal and expected what with my elevated estrogen levels. she was so convincing, i'm starting to believe it wasn't from the burrito, graham crackers, chips and salsa, or donut and coffees. ;)

phone call:

blood work tests came back and apparently my estrogen levels were a wee bit HIGH! i'm assuming that's good, as they've always been nonexistent up in here. she cut my meds in half and i go back thursday morning for another check. *fingers crossed* that all goes according to plan and next week is my week!!!

winning the war against my uterus is a good feeling.

i have a case of the mondays on a tuesday morning.

i'm not normally super-pessimistic. nor am i overly optimistic. i'm just super mellow and usually most things don't get to me either way.

today is not that day.

i went to the doctor this morning to get an ultrasound and blood work. my appt. was at 8:30; by 9:30, they finally called my name. !!! the ultrasound was to see how my follicles were progressing. i asked the lady how it looked and she just said something like, "oh, they're looking good - just need to mature a little more..." and she trailed off and started talking about the upcoming weekend. now, this part is MY bad. i didn't demand to see the doctor and have her go over it with me because they were seriously backed up and they said she'd call me about my blood test results later this afternoon.

but now, all i can think of oh my god. why didn't i just get the news over with instead of stewing all day. not healthy. i know. but i'm realllllllllly trying to stay optimistic but it's hard when you've been through this before. not exactly this, but when i was on clomid, it didn't even occur to me that it wasn't going to work and when i went in for my ultrasound, my insides had basically not responded at all. like my ovaries were laughing at the idea that one tiny little pill was any match for them.

but now i'm on heavy-duty hormone shots and it seems my uterus is still putting up a pretty decent fight. so i'm praying that tonight finds me in better spirits with a very uplifting phone call about how i'm upping my shot, i'll be in again on thursday, that ultrasound will go swimmingly; and my retrieval will be scheduled for next week.

that's not too much to ask for, is it?

1st official

i had my first official crazy-hormone-breakdown today.
*backstory* - we have to lock the doors to the spare rooms because chris' cat opens them and pees in them. ewwwww. so we have a key, but the one door is realllly difficult to open.

ok. so, i was going to meet a friend for dinner and was to be there at 6:00. at 5:30, i should have left, but was having a 'fat' day and couldn't find anything to wear. i hate that. then, i remembered i have clothes in the spare room. so i spent 25 minutes trying to open the damn door. first, i was calm. then i was annoyed. then i was trying to kick the door down ala chuck norris. no joke. poor chris came home to me sitting on the floor upstairs screaming; mascara flowing down my red cheeks. he thought i was being murdered, i'm sure. homeboy tried twice and it opened. ugh!!! he looked scared, confused, and about to burst into laughter all at once. luckily for him, he did not laugh.

the scary thing is, i could completely see how irrational i was being. in my head, i was like, "why are you being a crazy person? you know this door sucks." but i had absolutely no control over my actions. s-c-a-r-y!!!

it is sooooooooooo good i'm on summer vacation right now. i can only imagine a kid asking me the directions again after i just explained them. *eeek!*

sheesh!

i had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork done today; alls good in the uterus! good news. but now, i have to start the big guns tomorrow. injections in the am still, but now i'm adding an anitbiotic twice a day and serious drugs (with a HUGE needle!) at night.

i'm going to be one, big, walking hormone. like the kool-aid man, only mean. like the hulk i guess. :)

poor chris.

please, please, please for the love of all that's holy, let this work!!!

ivf update:

i talked to my doctor yesterday, and she said that my retrieval/transfer is scheduled for the week of july 7th. less than 3 weeks away!!!!! holy crap.

i had a dream last night that i was pregnant with triplets. and i was happy about it. i guess after all this, triplets might not be so bad! but the idea of being on bedrest really scares me.

so now, i will just put it out here in cyberspace that i have never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. ever since i was a kid, i always knew i was supposed to be a mom. i had absolutely no idea that it would ever be so difficult to get there. but, hopefully, this is it. i have a good feeling about it, so i'm praying my instincts are right.

keep those fingers crossed!!!

tidbits...

i mowed the lawn today. a fairly large feat for this lady. it took me a full half hour to get that stupid thing going. then i got a farmer tan. like, my arms are realllllllly burnt. silver lining? - i sweat so much i felt justified not going for a 4 mile walk. :)

i've been taking the injections for 5 days now. they turn me into a firemonster. i go in for an appointment tuesday or wednesday for an ultrasound and the cocktail injections i think. more firemonsterness.

monkey has been driving me up an effing wall today. peeing, barking, chasing, more peeing. daaaaaaaaaaamn this dog is working my last nerve. (firemonster, again.)

pass the calories, please.

these drugs are making me a crazy person. hot flashes? check. irrational snapping at any and everyone? checkity check. insane cravings for cake, ice cream, and nachos? oh yeah.

this is not ok. i keep telling myself i'm taking one for the team, the ends justify the means, and there's no 'i' in team. well, that last one doesn't really apply here, but you get the idea.

i don't think anyone actually reads this, but if you happen to come across it, pray for me that i get a positive test later this month. and then all those side effects will be totally welcome.

mmmmmmmm, nachos.

you're onlyyyyyy a dayyyy aaaaawayyyyy!

tomorrow is FINALLY the last day of school. i have never met people i dislike so much as the children i've taught this year. now, all 13-yr-olds are given a certain amount of 'slack'. they're 13. i get it. but this year, not only were they just downright not smart, they were arrogant about being not smart. and they were mean. and not like teenage kid mean. like, downright evil. i wouldn't be surprised if several of them wound up in jail for armed robberies and murder. seriously.

i love my job. i don't mean to sound like that bitter old teacher, but i'm really patting myself on the back for a)making the whole year and b) doing so without winding up on the news for hitting a kid. i plan on fully forgetting this whole 07-08 school eyar never happened as of 4 o'clock tomorrow.

we'll see...

what a difference a month can make.

i started the study officially. today is day numero uno of 'the pill' *dun, Dun, DUUUUN*. on june 10th, i start the needles and we go from there. by the end of june, i take THE TEST and hopefully, all these dr. visits, pills, needles, and nightly emotional meltdowns will be worth it.

one month from now. dude. that's heavy.

keep your fingers crossed; i need all the luck i can get. :)

dragging

back from vegas. awesome awesomeness. but chris went to get monkey from his parent's house today and she smells like old, dried dog pee. now, i have no doubt in my head that the dog peed either inside the house or crate. but seriously?! you don't smell it and WASH THE FREAKING DOG?!?!?! ugh. and now it's too late to give her a bath because she gets all wonky and she'll be up all night.

grrrrrrrrrrreat.

vegas, baby!

and we're off!!! well, not til tomorrow morning. and that might not even happen seeing as how the hubs is next to me sleeping on the couch. did he pack? did he find what he wants to wear? did he finish up all the whatever-it-is-he-does before a long trip? no, naw, and nope. homeboy better get to steppin!!!

but i'll say hi to mr. manilow for you when i see him!

grrrrrrrreat.

i came home to find monkey had escaped from her PADLOCKED crate; found a sharpie (where the hell did she find a SHARPIE?!?!?); chew the cap off; then proceed to chew the marker end ev-er-y-where in the living room. couch? check. carpet? checkity check. pillows? you know it!!!

luckily, carpet foam cleaner seems to work on most of said areas, but the pug is definitely not on my good side. i don't exactly enjoy spending an hour scrubbing, dabbing, and blotting while the dog tries to play.

i might throw her.


it's good thing she's cute.

pPs -

note to those who may come across this page by accident, on purpose, whatever:

this is basically my diary. sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's boring, sometimes i'm venting, and sometimes i'm feeling sorry for myself. it's how i roll.

i used to keep a diary for real all the time, then it sort of tapered off. when we moved, i found it and read it. the last time i wrote in it was the day of my first date with my husband. i wish i had written in it more after that. i've attempted the online-ness of journaling before and got bored. i'm hoping i can stick with it this time.

:)

big day!

haha - like the radio commercial.



went to sign the papers for the research study at the girly office. i've signed away the next (hopefully) 12 months of my life! after last year and not participating in the FREE study where all my tests and meds would have been paid for, we def jumped when they offered us this one. even though we're skipping, like, every normal step to have a baby, ivf for basically free is a once in a lifetime chance. we'd have to do some kind of infertility anyway. and if this doesn't work, we'll go back to step one and go from there.

but the doctor running it says i'm pretty much the perfect candidate and she wants me pregnant by june! (CRAZY!!!) i'm optimistic, but don't want to get my hopes too up. that's what happened last time, and let me tell you; that feeling suuuuuuucks.

in other fun news, we got chris a new car tonight! a very pretty silver santa fe. so cute!

ps -

i'm down 40 pounds. snaps for me!

i'm baaaaaaaack.

word. i'm writing again. for me, for you; whatever.

the science teacher on my team is like, crazy ocd. really bad. not only is she obsessively nutty, (which, by the way, is NOT as endearing as it sounds) she loves to interrupt conversations, classes, quiet times with her annoyances.

exhibit a) the lady is 45. she bought a 'motorcycle' and 'wrecked' it twice in the same day. now, i use the terms 'motorcycle' and 'wrecked' very loosely. homegirl fell off a feet-up-30-m-p-h-putt-putt-along scooter. IN HER DRIVEWAY! but anyhoo, somehow, going in a circle in her driveway, she managed to give herself some serious scrapes. nothing traumatic or that required medical attention; just some scrapes and a few bruises.

but do you think 5 effing minutes can go by without her limping up to me or showing a 12 year-old passerby her "injuries"??? NOOOOOO!!!

sooooo, here's my quandry: a) what kind of IDIOT crashes a scooter in a driveway TWICE??? and b) she's 45! and she's showing off her bruises in that passive-aggressive way a middle schooler does!!!

ugh. is it june yet?