i'm in a weird place, people.

i'm still having a problem accepting that this is my reality. my pants don't fit, i'm constantly tired, and yet, it's hard to believe i'm really pregnant. and not just pregnant - second trimester pregnant!

when does the fear go away? i always thought "once i see that line" or "once i see that ultrasound" or once i get passed that 12 week mark..." i'd feel better. but while i'm not as pins and needles as week 5, i'm also not where i think most pregnant ladies are at this point.

one more thing to thank infertility for: stealing the excitement away. taking away the "glow" and instead, leaving worry lines in it's place. i'm thankful that i know what i have. i appreciate every day, and that's due to infertility in a weird way. but i just wish i could fully embrace being pregnant and just be all annoying and googly like every other pregnant lady i've ever known.

two nuggets of awesome:

I'M IN MY SECOND TRIMESTER AS OF TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if you haven't seen jersey shore; you're missing out.

:)

no. no it's not in the water.

that is the. most. annoying. comment ever!!!

sure, i'm the 4th one to get pregnant at my school this year, but dang! i worked hard for this shit, man!!! i hate when people say "there's something in the water, huh?" like, i just dipped into their little honeypots and got myself pregnant easy-peasy. not that i want to share my ivf business with everyone, but i also don't want to negate the 2 and a half years it took us to get to this point!

what did any of you say to those people? i tried the 'yeah, well we tried for a long time' route and that just raises more questions that i don't feel like talking about.

you know what? my last-year-self just said "waaaah waaaaah" in my head. i should be so lucky why people say i'm drinkin' the water, right?!?!

10w5d...

i'm almost done with this first trimester business. and *whispers* ...

i'm good at this whole pregnancy thing!

like, i was all worried about not getting sick or feeling gross, and as it turns out, my mom only got nauseous for like, a week, then sailed through all 3 of her pregnancies. AND i went to my last appointment with the RE, and mini-d is perfect! he's* waving, kicking, moving all around and everything! i SAW it!!! that was just batshit crazy, i tell you.

so now, i go to my first OB appointment on thursday, and i'm hoping i get another ultrasound. i could watch that everyday all day for the next 6 months!

here's evidence that there is, in fact, a motherfucking snake on this motherfucking plane:



*i'm using the term "he" because 1) it sounds gross, and 2) i secretly think it's a boy. :)

thankful.

this thanksgiving, i'm thankful for being pregnant. nothing has made me happier, more scared and freaked-out on a regular basis, or completely school-girl giddy-er. i have waited and yearned and hoped and wished and prayed for longer than one person should have to and all of my dreams have come true.

i can't even imagine next year at this time.

my cup runneth over.

i'm sick and pissed.

like, "i have a hacking cough, sore throat, stuffy head" sick. so what's a gal to do on a saturday when she wants to find out what she can take? go to publix and ask the pharmacist, right? of course. so homeboy recommends tylenol and robitussin dm. ok. good. so i go ahead and take those minimally as i needed.

then i call my doctor this morning.

she says, "um, you shouldn't be taking anything." oh, ok. so now i feel like a ginormous chump!!! i didn't HAVE to take anything; i just wanted to know what my options were so i could feel better as soon as possible! and now i may have put my nugget in harm's way!

and speaking of my nugget; i have no symptoms again. i know, i know... it comes and goes, up and down, back and forth, yada yada yada. but i feel better when i feel shitty. arg.

and ps - don't ask dr. google when your symptoms go away at 9 weeks. very, very bad idea.

i must be crazy.

i'm pregnant! me! emmie! is pregnant!!!

after almost 3 years of drugs, procedures, and failures; it's finally happened!

...so why am i still *ever so slightly* crushed - no - not "crushed" - more like the former me of a couple months ago is going through it - when TWO of my close girlfriends announced this same week that they are pregnant too! by accident! (seems as though we're all about 2 weeks apart!) so excited for them - but i still feel that pang of jealousy - AND I'M PREGNANT!

i guess you can take the girl out of infertility; but you can't take the infertility out of the girl. or something like that.

sucking the fun out

telling people you're pregnant - FINALLY - for the first time should be crazy fun, right? you should giggle and cry and get hugs and giggles and tears from whomever will listen, right??? ESPECIALLY your girlfriends, right???

not me.

not that they haven't gotten excited, or had some giggles; they have. except.

THEN they want to tell me all about their terrible experience, and after a 20-minute diversion into your epidural-not-working-story i get the - "but i'm sure you won't have that problem." or i get bombarded with insurance and maternity leave questions that i have no fucking clue about THEN i'm made to feel stupid for not knowing!

it's like someone made it their job to scare the shit out of me. or stress me the fuck out for fun! wtf?!?!

and, ladies, here's a secret about little ole me: i don't take kindly to people telling me what to do. never have; never will, i'm suspecting. no idea why. i have an authority complex maybe. so when my PEER tells me i should be doing something, or gives unsolicited, opinionated advice, i tend to get quite defensive and bitchy. which they know! it's not like i've never met them before! i had to leave a dinner last night because after listening for TWO AND A HALF HOURS to said annoying stories, i JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! and i just left. probably abruptly. but i seriously was going to blow up.

so yeah. i want the fun part to start happening soon. gushes, giggles, what-names-are-you-thinking-abouts, what-color-do-you-want-to-do-the-nurserys, and stuff. or this is going to be a very lonely 9 months. :)


*addendum*
i think i'm so annoyed because most of my friends are very aware of my struggles, attempts, and failures in the trying-to-make-a-baby adventures. so it's just kinda sucky that they're not more sensitive to what i need right now. or maybe i'm being crazy, expecting people to be psychic. who knows.

waaaaahoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

we went in for our first ultrasound today and found...

ONE little heart beating away!!! my little baby!!!

HOLY SHIT.

i'm good. (or bad)

symptoms back in full force. nausea; boobs; tired... YAY!!!

you know what it was? i didn't feel pregnant, so i was freaking out! so now that i feel uber shitty; i feel great! haha.

confession: i still take a pregnancy test every few days. there is no other therapy as satisfying as turning those things positive!!! chris thinks i'm crazy, of course, but whatever.

6 weeks today...

and i haven't felt anything since last sunday.

actually - i had some nausea last night, but seriously - other than that, i've had NOTHING all week!!! i was sick, hungry, had tender boobs, and waaaay tired all last week, then it went away!!! i'm still kinda tired, but who knows what that's about.

it is realllllly freaking me out. so i've taken a test everyday and according to those, i'm still pregnant, but still. it's freaking me out.

any ideas? everyone keeps telling me it's early or sometimes it comes and goes, or maybe i'm just lucky... but the PROBlem is, i HAD symptoms, so it's bugging me!!!!

i'm calling monday. and my sonogram is friday, which is 6weeks6days. i'm going nutty.

randoms:

A) nina-douchebag had scheduled me for my 2nd beta on friday. got there and then she tells me, "no, you come in on novemeber 6th for your ultrasound..." oh, ok. i only drove an hour to get here, but whatever. so no 2nd beta for me. that kind of sucks.

B) my boobs are out. of. control. i'm regularly a D-DD, people, so this is just crazy. good thing frederick's goes up to FF.

C) i secretly LOVE feeling sick. sometimes it's in the morning on my drive to work, sometimes it's after lunch, sometimes, if i walk passed a smoker i feel like hurling... i love it. keep it up, nausea! i bet gals who just 'get pregnant' complain all the time about it. not, i, i say! i have longed for years to have morning sickness. love love love it.

D) i have gained 7 pounds since tuesday. ummmm, WHATTHEFUCK?!?!? yeah, i'm eating more, but i'm not crazy! like, i feel physically hungry all the time, so i eat a little bit all the time. but, like a wheat pita with a little peanut butter, so a handful of goldfish, or some apple slices. SEVEN POUNDS?!?!?! fuckyou, pcos. not ok. i'm calling tomorrow.

and lastly E) my husband is cooking bacon right now and i might puke right here all over my laptop.

470!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's my first beta level!!!!

motherfucking 470!!!!!!!!!!! holy crap.

so yeah, i'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E-LEV-ENdp3dt

holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap.

at 7:30 tomorrow morning i will be in the blood chair.

hopefully by 2ish, they'll call me and tell me i'm PANCAKES!!!!

...the hubs and i had to come up with code-words. because they'll probably call while i'm in the middle of a class, and i can't very well shout "I'M PR------" in a room full of 13 year olds. so the code is 'pancakes' for POSITIVE; 'cabbagesoup' for NOT-SO-POSITIVE. (after my husband's DISASTROUS attempt at making ham and cabbage soup; homeboy substituted ROSEMARY for ham. ?!?!?!?! yes, it was as horribly, horribly disgusting as it sounds.)

so, think PANCAKES people!!!!!!!!!!!

10dp3dt

made it to today without any auntie flow showing up!!! this was my mini-milestone. last time, i got a maaaaaad period 2 days before my beta test.

and i changed my test to WEDNESDAY MORNING instead of FRIDAY!!!!!! only TWO more 'sleeps' as my friend told me. wooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!

keep those ju-ju thoughts coming!

8dp3dt

still nothing going on. can't decide if that's good or bad. do you feel anything this soon? mr. google says sometimes. i'm going to stop asking him, though. he freaks me out.

6dp3dt

six days!!! it's been six days!!!

no symptoms or anything.

ok. that's all i got. :)

5dp3dt

should i be feeling something? other than that whole progesterone thing (ewwww, btw.) i'm just going about my usual business. but, usual business while maybe P-------! (not saying the word for a very long while. bad juju.)

the hubs got me a little medallion of the patron saint of fertility (gerard). where does he find this stuff??? i kept it in my pocket allllll day and rubbed it and hopefully gave myself some good vibes.

:)

3dp3dt

back to work today. the doctor told me to try to steer clear of stairs, heavy lifting, exercise, and whatnot. good thing i only teach 7th grade on the second floor of a gigantic middle school with no adult bathrooms in sight! (sarcasm, people.)

i took the stairs down, but tried to take the elevator up mostly. i did not have to do any heavy lifting - you'd be surprised how badly even the asshole kids want to be helpful. :)

and the exercise? who are we kidding here. i can't even SEE the wagon anymore. i'll worry about that later.

no symptoms today. no twingies or anything. well, maybe when i'm sitting for a little bit. (and trust me, i know i can't "feel" my baby or anything. i just want to remember what all happened.)

the BIG NEWS!!!! ---- we had THREE TO FREEZE!!!!! three whole, grade-a embryos!!! sure, sure, that's good, whatever. BUT NO!!! last time, not only did our ivf not work, but NONE of our eggs made it to freeze. talk about kicking a dead horse, man. that's why i was sooooo excited when mr. embryologist told me that news today. poor guy was like, "um, ok. so that's it. i'm gonna get off the phone now....", as i gushed and gushed thank yous. so, happy news!


and i have to put this out there. and i am WARNING you, this is gross.

i was put on endometrin (progesterone suppositories) since retrieval. and it is the. grossest. thing. ever!!!! i've never been a "pad" gal and this is just like my own personal hell here. i'm leaky alllllll day. i even made a special call to the doctor because SURELY this is not normal, right??? um, no. i asked about the progesterone-in-oil shots and she said it's 'six to one, half a dozen to the other'. deal with the leaks or the ass you can't sit on. gimme another coupla days and i may be there.

2dp3dt

is sunday considered 2 days or 3? if i had my transfer on friday? hmmm. i guess i'll stick with 2 since i called yesterday 1, huh.

anyhoo.

nothing much going on over here. i'm just trying to keep track of symptoms and whatnot, so feel free to skip any posts until the 23rd.

just some twinges yesterday and today. not quite cramps, but enough to be uncomfortable; more like my uterus making sure i know she's there. "hellllllooooooooooo!!!" like your aunt would say. not like, "EMILY CATHERINE, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!" like your (my) mom would say.

i just compared actual cramps to my mother's angry voice. good thing she doesn't know i blog, huh?

:)

1dp3dt

is that how you abbreviate the days after ivf? one-day-past-three-day-transfer? i think so. in any case, it's been 24 hours. we transferred 3 perfect little 8-cell embryos and i hope one or two of them are getting all nestled in my nether-regions.

we decided on 3 because, well, we did three last time (on the advice of the nurse) and none of them took, so why not do three again, right?

except when the nurse asked and we said 3, she was all, "i just want to make sure you are aware of the complications associated with triplets..." ummmm, triplets?!?! sooooooo not what we're going for. we're hoping for one little, tiny mini-d. mayyyyyyybe 2. but 3?!?! holy shit, i have palpitations just thinking of it.

but, the hubs and i talked and decided that if we did 2 and it didn't work, we'd be mooooore upset and wonder what if.

so. the 23rd is my bloodtest. i shall be on pins and needles til then.

nine!!!

we have nine good embryos!!! wooohooooooo!!!

so friday is the transfer and i get to take a valium! haha.

HOWever. the hubs and i were talking finance last night and now i'm freaked. we have debt (who doesn't - right?), and we're not saving right now. i am super freaked. i know we can get on track, but this summer kicked our ass. so now i'm scared of getting pregnant. i have only said that on here cuz, really - it only just hit me yesterday. diapers, formula, cribs (i have a feeling i'm bound for multiples.), clothes, DAYCARE!!! what do women do?!? it's not like i'm the only one out there who would need daycare, right? it's not ideal, but this is the world we live in. how do people own a house, pay their bills, AND afford hundreds of dollars A WEEK for someone ELSE to watch their kids??? ugh.

brain meltdown.

let's just get through the transfer, shall we.

TWENTY-TWO?!?!?

no WONDER my ovaries were baseball-esque for the last few days. now, i know that's just the preliminary number and we need to see how many are mature and then how many fertilize, but seriously?! 22?!?! last time around, i had only gotten 11 and 10 were mature. they are icsi'ing all of them, so i'm hoping for some to freeze. woop woop!!!

baseballs.

my ovaries feel like two heavy baseballs under my stomach. good lord, i don't remember them hurting like this last time.

also, (and this may be tmi, but whatever.) my boobs are out. of. control. can't touch 'em. can't sleep on 'em. daaaaaaaamn. putting a bra on this morning took some work. i remember this after the transfer, but before retrieval??? i guess it's the hsg. not a huge fan of the painfulness.

tuesday, Tuesday, TUESDAY!

retrieval scheduled for TUESDAY MORNING! holy crap!!!!!

nina douchebag.

that's her name. at least, that's what my husband and i call her. to each other, to our friends, to gayle, her co-worker (boss lady, i think) who is also aware of her incompetence, and pretty much anyone who listens. the medical assistant slash clinical research coordinator in charge of my ivf. the one who has to poke me 8 times before hitting a vein, and even then, she finally just resorts to moving the needle around till she gets it. the one who has no clue about my ivf process, but yet is somehow a "coordinator". yeah. it's awesome. i can't figure out if she's actually that fucking stupid, or if she's messing with me for fun.

first it was not calling me back.

then it was calling me back to tell me she doesn't know the answer to ANY of my questions. wtf?! why did you call?!?!?

THEN it was forgetting to schedule my appointment, so when i DROVE A FUCKING HOUR to the office, they had no clue why i was there and weren't ready to see me. oh, and that's happened more than once.

NOW it's giving me 25 vials of menopur to start, then an additional 5 earlier this week. what's wrong with that you ask? ummm, i was on 2 for 2 days. then my doctor upped it to 3. i'm on day 10. yes, you are correct - i only have 2 vials left, so i need to get more tomorrow from the office. SATURDAY. i already have an appointment on SUNDAY MORNING AT SEVENFUCKINGTHIRTYAM . so when i call the cool lady's cell phone (gayle - nice one i'd rather deal with), she asks me why i don't have enough. i explain. she says my "chart states nina (douchebag) gave me 30 vials to start, then 5 more this week, for a grand total of 35 vials", meaning i should have more than enough for tomorrow night.

THIS BITCH CAN'T COUNT!!!!

WHAT IF SHE HAS FUCKED ME ALL UP?!?!?! now i have this nugget in my head that if i don't get pregnant, it's nina douchebag's fault!

ugggg.

i have had a massive headache for 24 straight hours. i've had one come on every night for last 4 or so days, but usually, i just go to sleep and it goes away.

not this time.

holy crap, my eyeballs feel like they're trying to bust out of my head. maybe it's because my doctor raised my menopur from 2 to 3 each night. i feel exxxxxtra crazy lately.

but! hopefully, this all works out and the headaches won't be for nothing. so far, the tentative retrieval date is oct. 5th or 6th. ONE WEEK!!! holy crap.

nancy's 25!

i copied this from nancy. (i'd link to her blog, but that's something i have not yet figured out, so just go over there ------> and click on it.)

"25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date?
aaron carlson. he called 'dibs' at our pre-dinner to everyone at our table. at a japanese restaurant. with strangers.

2. Do you still talk to your first love?
nope. we broke up; he started dating a friend; then married his ex; and confessed his love for me years later via myspace. weird.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
kahlua and pepsi. everything goes with coke, right? um, no.

4. What was your first job?
claire's boutique. i remember the manager was waaaaaay into her job. and SERIOUS about hairbows. we all had to wear a different one every shift.

5. What was your first car?
juanita; the puerto-rican-plaid '86 dodge 600 convertible with maroon pleather interior and lexus seat covers my dad gave me. i loooooooved that car.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?
lauren; i told her i almost jumped out of my moving vehicle (see other post) and she responded with 'don't do it, you don't have anyone to cover homeroom.' good advice.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
the topher. he snores and is a bear to wake up.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
i forget her name, but she was a nun. said nun was also my brownies leader and she was mean.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
to new york for my grandpa's funeral.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
anne erismen. and no, i haven't spoken to her in probably 20 years.

11. Where was your first sleepover?
sara sansone's. she was a brat.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today?
chris.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
my friend, chantel's when i was 20. we wore such cheesy dresses because none of us knew what weddings were about yet.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning?
washed my face, did my hair, gave myself a shot. woohoo!

15. What was the first concert you went to?
live. they were really good as i recall.

16. First tattoo?
a lame chinese character that i later had covered up with a solid pink star.

17. First piercing?
ears.

18. First foreign country you went to?
mexico for our honeymoon. only venture out of the u.s. so far.

19. First movie you remember seeing?
et. i wanted to be gertie.

20. What state did you first live in?
ohio

21. Who was your first room mate?
ruby jiminez. she was gross.

22. When was your first detention?
one and only; the day of powder puff because my friend and i forged a hall pass. we were soooo bad. :)

23. (samcy didn't have a #23 and neither do i!)

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
french.

25. Who will be the next person to post this?
no idea!

oh geez.

i had my first firemonster meltdown this morning on my way to work. my seatbelt kept locking and i couldn't pull it around. thank god i had my windows shut. i was screaming bloody murder and sweating and everything. all was over within 2 minutes.

cut to this evening, where the hubs and i are watching the end of the vma's on dvr. beyonce gave taylor 'her moment' and i'm crying like a little girl. crying over the vma's people.

i'm on drugs.

;)

bang!

today marks day numero uno of taking shots. just the lupron for now, but i anticipate firemonsteryness for the next few days while i'm still on the pill as well.

thumbs up for kicking down doors! (both metaphorically and literally. don't judge me - i was all hopped up on hormones and it made sense at the time.)

:)

on another note, i'm going to one of those 'paint your own pottery' places tonight!!! while it's not like sitting at a wheel and doing it yourself, this is the first time i've gotten creative with ceramics since college and i'm excited!!! maybe i'll post a pic (if i can figure out that whole mess) when i get it back from being fired.

twins.

my very good co-worker friend did ivf recently and had quite the experience with it. postponed transfer, tilted uterus, cervix not dilated.... etc. i genuinely felt horrible for her.

but, she had the transfer, went crazy for 2 weeks, got a BFP, and had her first sonogram today.

and as you may have guessed - twins! holy crap. i was so excited for her. i thought she was messing with me, but she was just in shock. ha!

so i was telling another friend and her response was similar to mine, but then she says, "i hope she didn't steal your baby juju! hahaha."

WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?!?! and why does it bother me so much???? now, all i can think of is that my very good friend, who is so super-supportive of me and my ventures, has now stolen my juju. i want to be as positive as humanly possible this go-round, but with stupidass people like this, how the eff can i???

i need positive shit around me. i hate yoga though. i need to center my chi or whatever. and i cannot use ice cream as the answer.
*sidenote* - even though i TOTALLY co-sign on ben and jerry renaming their classic 'hubby hubby'. i knew i loved them. see?! sending positive messages out into the universe via ice cream?! i need something like that.

but i digress. i start lupron tomorrow morning and i am going to think *happy* thoughts. so think some for me, too.

:)

having a moment.

the best friend called with some "news". yep. she's pregnant. again. without trying. i love her. i do. and i flipped out on the phone and was sooooooo happy for her - still am. i just hate that little twinge in the back of my uterus, er, head that is sad. that brings the grand total up to 4 pregnant ladies in my life. and several more are 'trying', so the number is sure to skyrocket soon.

ps - i'm on day 1 of loestrin. the ivf ball is officially rolling, so please pray to god, buddha, allah, or whoever you choose that i, rademmie, get to be a mom soon.

i'm a big fat, giant fat fatty.

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

my summer's goal was to lose 20 pounds. not only did i not reach that goal, i gained about 10!!!

10 pounds, people!!!

granted, i just got back from my husband's family reunion. when i say they don't eat healthy food, i mean it. like, cake, chips, pasta, fried everything are all daily occurences. i didn't go crazy, but when there's nothing in the house but crap, it's hard to be good. i'm hoping at least 3-5 of those pounds are related to all the salt i've had. that'll be encouraging in a day or two when i've got a good lead.

problem is, i should be starting the ivf process very soon, and i gained about 13 pounds on those drugs even while i was seriously dieting and working out. i need a miracle. a skinny-me miracle.

if it's not one thing...

does anyone else have a completely clueless mother???????? i can't tell you how many times i've explained the. whole. infertility. THING to her, and yet, she STILL says the most offensive, inappropriate things. unwittingly, of course. she's not mean or uncaring, i think she's just (lack of better term) stupid!!!!!

once, in the midst of my crying that "i'll neeeeveeeeeer get pregnant *sob sob sob*", homegirl says to me, "well, look on the bright side... now you'll have more time to travel." WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

and don't even get me started on how many times i've told her what pcos is. and every time, after a long, awkward pause, she says something like, "well, you never can tell" or "relax, stop thinking about it" or, my personal favorite, "isn't there a pill for that? ask your doctor to take the pill you need." OH! OF COURSE!!! why hadn't i thought to ask for a magic FUCKING PILL?!?!?!?!?!?

so today, when explaining that i have a consult appointment for the new ivf study, she asks me what ivf is.

sit on that for a second.

ummmm. remember LAST summer when your daughter couldn't leave the house for a week after a failed ivf that was maybe the most traumatic experience of her life? remember her telling you all about 'those shots and stuff' she had to do every night? remember her crying uncontrollably on the phone because her hormones were so crazy that your questions - that she's answered several times before - made her turn into niagra falls?

oh no?

well, let me explain again. UUUUUUUUGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i might be more understanding (and i was) if i had only been doing this for a few months and was still in the beginning stage, but come on. i'm knee deep in this shit. hell - arm deep!!! it been almost 3 years and i've done everything you can do. she's heard about it all and yet, each time the conversation comes up, she plays dumb. IT IS SO MOTHERFUCKING AGGRAVATING!!!!!!!!

ok. let me just say that my mom is one of my favorite people on the planet. she has always been supportive of me in everything i do and she could not love me more. i just think that this particular subject makes her uncomfortable, even though she wants to hear it.

it just makes me sad that the one thing that is so important to me, the one thing a daughter should be able to talk to her mother about, is the one thing that i feel like i can't talk to her about without wanting to slam the phone into the wall and rip my (or her) hair out.

take 2

i was called by my re's office today. they are recruiting for the ivf/pcos study in the fall and i was numero uno on the list. she asked some questions, 'have you been diagnosed with pcos?', 'do you have male factor infertility?', 'blah blah blah...'.

so i'm in.

the catch? this study is double the price; $6,000. to which i replied, "huh. well, ok." did i consult the hubs? nope. if my only hope is ivf, isn't half-price better than nothing??? yes. yes, it is.

he's fine about it. i did tell him i felt bad for not consulting him and just saying 'yes', but he gets it. i'm excited about having a plan and he is too.

so now, we wait. we get skinny, but we wait. i'm going to try to give myself all possible advantages i can. so, skinny, skinny, skinny!

time bomb.

my last friend to have a baby will be celebrating said baby's first birthday next month. i was invited to the party, to make her tutu, and to make a giant cupcake for the birthday girl. this can only mean one thing.

someone's next.

we went through quite a baby storm for a couple years there. some planned, some not-so-planned, some straight-up tear-inducing where i was put in the position to comfort a friend who thought her life was over and how could this happen to me what am i going to do?!? (---yeah. i earned my wings in heaven on that one. no blood was shed or anything.)

so who will it be??? one is openly "trying", but not really doing much about the technicalities. one swears she's not, but is most definitely. maybe even #2 for a couple of them. then there's me. most of them have stopped asking when we're having babies at this point.

and when the lucky lady makes the big announcement, i'm not sure how i'm going to feel. that is so horrible! of course, i'll be happy that they are so happy and they're dreams came true, but i have a feeling i'm going to want to go home and have myself an ice cream party and tear session. actually, thinking about this scenario is making me want to start the shame-spiral portion of this program early.

*must start thinking happy thoughts must start thinking happy thoughts*

happy thought #1: i've decided that before i die, i am going to own a pair of sickeningly expensive heels. like, mortgage payment expensive. just to say i do. i might even throw in a pair of pricey jeans when my ass is all soap-opera-hot.

poor.

this SUCKS!!!!!!!!

my paychecks are like, a third of what they are normally and now we're broke as a joke for the ENTIRE summer. like, we were just discussing what we are going to eat for the next 2 weeks. good thing i started my serious diet again. eggs, turkey, meat or fish. it's just so fucking STRESSFUL! arg.

i just thought that if that ivf had worked, we'd have a 3 month old right now, too. granted, that would have changed EVERYTHING, but at least we're just doing this with the 2 of us.

AND while i'm wishing for august, so we'll be back to normal; saving money, paying bills the day we get them, etc... i DO NOT want to start working again! i love reading, watching tv, going tubing, walking and all that with NO SCHEDULE.

so, yeah. we did not plan accordingly this year.

red eyes.

i've turned into quite the crier. thank you SO much, pcos!

went to my doc this morning for my exit interview. no babies. my consolation prize is one round of 50 mg of clomid and $500. fair? i think not.

so i'm going to be back on metformin and whatnot AND he told me there's a study coming up for ivf for women with pcos. !!! i told him i don't want to do it again before i lose a bunch more weight, but he said any weight is good weight to lose, but not to overdo it. then i mentioned how the last ivf didn't work and he told me that may be in large part to the kind of drugs i was on. this study is specifically for pcos, so he thinks the "outcome would be much more positive." i'll take it.

then i watched jon and kate plus 8.

is anyone else just depressed after seeing this?! so sad. and i'm seriously no sap - but that was bad. i really want to be on jon's side and say kate is a shrew... but earrings??? a porshe??? saying he's only 32 and has his whole life ahead of him??????? i'm surprised she hasn't strangled him yet. did it sound like they did therapy or anything? i didn't get that impression, and that just seems crazy.

anyhoo. this whole pcos/infertility/baby-wanting thing is getting draining. i keep reading other blogs and it seems like no one with pcos is ever getting pregnant! maybe i'm just sensitive to it, but seriously. i need some good news or SOMEthing.

and i miss my grandma.

this post is full of s*** and f*** and b**** : you've been warned.

had my 1st u/s on friday and it showed one dominant follicle at 13mm! for me, that's just crazy! day 10?! normal follicles? holy shit. so yeah, i spent my weekend daydreaming about how this is fi-na-lly going to work and what colors this, and which theme that.

then i go in this morning for my next u/s and it's just like every time before. same 13mm one, then a couple at 10mm. the tech (who is super nice and always tries to make you laugh, but sometimes needs to just shut up) told me to "just keep doing what you're doing; it'll be fun no matter what!" um, no, bitch. scheduled sex is extremely far from fun. (well, not extremely, i guess. haha) i got my eyes on the prize and i don't need her telling me this 'maybe' shit. she said "who knows what happened over the weekend; that 13mm one may have grown and this is a new one...." as she trailed off. shouldn't you know that? why can't i get a motherfucking straight answer from anyone!?!?

so then i spent the rest of the day wallowing and not wanting to speak to a single person, which is bad when you teach 7th grade. the hormones alone should qualify me for paid time off so i don't starngle a kid. let alone it being 12 days til school's out and they are straight-crazy.

i'm still in wallow-mode and may be here for an indefinite amount of time. feel free to join. haha.

hodgepodge

my laptop is being weird. i'll be typing and all of a sudden - the cursor moves and starts typing in the middle of another word. arg. anyhoo.

i started another clinical trial today. lutrepatch, anyone? i have to wear it for 21 days, changing it once in the morning (6:10 to be exact!) and once at night (7:30). it pulsates every 90 minutes when it's dosing and kind of feels like a mild tattoo. like, it stings! not pain, exactly, but quite uncomfortable.

anyone else out there in the cyberworld do this and had a positive (BABY!) outcome? or know of someone?

sidenote: a good friend of mine is doing her first ivf and her transfer is sunday. mother's day. her due date *would* be around valentine's day. good signs. she's seen me through all my nonsense, so i told her it will obviously work for her; odds what they are, it didn't work for me, so process of elimination!
in a perfect world, this stupid trial would miraculously work and we'd be *the p-word* together.

*sigh* feels like a pipedream. who knows WHEN that will ever happen.

totally off-subject:
my grandma died last sunday. i was extremely close to her and am having a rough time. i'd like to think she now knows how hard all this baby stuff is for me and will give me some juju. (i never got into it with her because in the end, she wasn't quite all there and i didn't want to just confuse her more.) it would be nice. i miss her.

on a lighter note: school's out in 17 (school) days! woohoo.

debbie downer meets bitter betty.

i hate when normal, lucky people are having an existential meltdown.

"what next?" bullshit. you'll decide it's time for baby #2, get pregnant tomorrow, birth a perfect baby girl (because baby #1 is a perfect baby boy, of course), and live happily ever after.

how do i know?

because you asked that question 6 years ago when you and your high school sweetheart had been together for 8 years and he proposed.

and because you asked that question after living happily ever after as husband and wife for 2 years and decided to have a baby - AND YOU GOT PREGNANT THAT WEEK!!!!!!!!

then there's me; who's been asking that question for what seems like forever and i never really get an answer. marraige, house, babies. that's how it's supposed to go. but my record is stuck on 'skip' and it's like groundhog's day every holiday. "next easter, maybe we'll have to buy a cute little easter dress..." NOPE.

i'm feeling a pretty bitter right now. all because my fertile friend can't decide what to do; be able to get drunk on her birthday this month, or wait til next month to get pregnant. because it's all so simple for the normal, lucky people.

to muddy buddy or not to muddy buddy?

my friend asked me to do the muddy buddy with her in may. 3 miles running and 3 miles of biking, both in intervals. there's obstacle courses and a huge mud pit at the end. looks soooooo fun! EXCEPT!--- i've been trying to dabble in running lately, so i've been cross-training on my walks. i usually go about 3 miles, and now i run almost half. now, that's nowhere NEAR acceptable for this kind of race, but maybe i could super-train. i mean, you get to dress up in costumes!

some people like marathons; i like races with mud, costumes, and a beer garden at the end!


on the baby front:
we signed up for another study. this one's for a clomid-esque drug (forget the name; totally safe, just in patch form). so i stopped all my meds 2 weeks ago and i'm currently trying to trick mother nature beofre i start the study. a friend of mine with pcos went off the pill, and because her girly parts were still in working order, she got pregnant that month she got off!!! so i'm hoping i have that kind of luck! today is CD 12 and we're doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well.

maybe that last part was tmi, but i love me some ll cool j!!!

:)

a new way to waste time.

hello, my name is emmie and i'm addicted to twitter.

*correction*

i posted about 'that lady in california' way too early. homegirl's straight crazy.

i hope the dcf comes after her and puts all of those babies in good, happy homes.

uh-oh.

my 6-month follow-up is next monday. yeah. ummmmm. i've lost 15 pounds since october. *hopefully* i won't get yelled at.

and why are people so friggin insensitive?!?!?!? one of my friends - one who knows ALL my business - is just starting to ttc numero uno and feels it necessary to give me every play-by-play. when, how, what her due date will be, what she's going to register for, how can she take off work for dr. appts?, do i like the name 'dane'?, etc...

seriously?! i love her, but she's driving me crazy.

wow.

a lady in california just gave birth to 8 healthy babies. perfect.

a bad day.

i went to my friend's kid's birthday party today. he turned 2. it didn't even occur to me i would be uncomfortable.

i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.

people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.

then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.

and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.

'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.

i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.