6 weeks today...

and i haven't felt anything since last sunday.

actually - i had some nausea last night, but seriously - other than that, i've had NOTHING all week!!! i was sick, hungry, had tender boobs, and waaaay tired all last week, then it went away!!! i'm still kinda tired, but who knows what that's about.

it is realllllly freaking me out. so i've taken a test everyday and according to those, i'm still pregnant, but still. it's freaking me out.

any ideas? everyone keeps telling me it's early or sometimes it comes and goes, or maybe i'm just lucky... but the PROBlem is, i HAD symptoms, so it's bugging me!!!!

i'm calling monday. and my sonogram is friday, which is 6weeks6days. i'm going nutty.

randoms:

A) nina-douchebag had scheduled me for my 2nd beta on friday. got there and then she tells me, "no, you come in on novemeber 6th for your ultrasound..." oh, ok. i only drove an hour to get here, but whatever. so no 2nd beta for me. that kind of sucks.

B) my boobs are out. of. control. i'm regularly a D-DD, people, so this is just crazy. good thing frederick's goes up to FF.

C) i secretly LOVE feeling sick. sometimes it's in the morning on my drive to work, sometimes it's after lunch, sometimes, if i walk passed a smoker i feel like hurling... i love it. keep it up, nausea! i bet gals who just 'get pregnant' complain all the time about it. not, i, i say! i have longed for years to have morning sickness. love love love it.

D) i have gained 7 pounds since tuesday. ummmm, WHATTHEFUCK?!?!? yeah, i'm eating more, but i'm not crazy! like, i feel physically hungry all the time, so i eat a little bit all the time. but, like a wheat pita with a little peanut butter, so a handful of goldfish, or some apple slices. SEVEN POUNDS?!?!?! fuckyou, pcos. not ok. i'm calling tomorrow.

and lastly E) my husband is cooking bacon right now and i might puke right here all over my laptop.

470!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's my first beta level!!!!

motherfucking 470!!!!!!!!!!! holy crap.

so yeah, i'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E-LEV-ENdp3dt

holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap.

at 7:30 tomorrow morning i will be in the blood chair.

hopefully by 2ish, they'll call me and tell me i'm PANCAKES!!!!

...the hubs and i had to come up with code-words. because they'll probably call while i'm in the middle of a class, and i can't very well shout "I'M PR------" in a room full of 13 year olds. so the code is 'pancakes' for POSITIVE; 'cabbagesoup' for NOT-SO-POSITIVE. (after my husband's DISASTROUS attempt at making ham and cabbage soup; homeboy substituted ROSEMARY for ham. ?!?!?!?! yes, it was as horribly, horribly disgusting as it sounds.)

so, think PANCAKES people!!!!!!!!!!!

10dp3dt

made it to today without any auntie flow showing up!!! this was my mini-milestone. last time, i got a maaaaaad period 2 days before my beta test.

and i changed my test to WEDNESDAY MORNING instead of FRIDAY!!!!!! only TWO more 'sleeps' as my friend told me. wooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!

keep those ju-ju thoughts coming!

8dp3dt

still nothing going on. can't decide if that's good or bad. do you feel anything this soon? mr. google says sometimes. i'm going to stop asking him, though. he freaks me out.

6dp3dt

six days!!! it's been six days!!!

no symptoms or anything.

ok. that's all i got. :)

5dp3dt

should i be feeling something? other than that whole progesterone thing (ewwww, btw.) i'm just going about my usual business. but, usual business while maybe P-------! (not saying the word for a very long while. bad juju.)

the hubs got me a little medallion of the patron saint of fertility (gerard). where does he find this stuff??? i kept it in my pocket allllll day and rubbed it and hopefully gave myself some good vibes.

:)

3dp3dt

back to work today. the doctor told me to try to steer clear of stairs, heavy lifting, exercise, and whatnot. good thing i only teach 7th grade on the second floor of a gigantic middle school with no adult bathrooms in sight! (sarcasm, people.)

i took the stairs down, but tried to take the elevator up mostly. i did not have to do any heavy lifting - you'd be surprised how badly even the asshole kids want to be helpful. :)

and the exercise? who are we kidding here. i can't even SEE the wagon anymore. i'll worry about that later.

no symptoms today. no twingies or anything. well, maybe when i'm sitting for a little bit. (and trust me, i know i can't "feel" my baby or anything. i just want to remember what all happened.)

the BIG NEWS!!!! ---- we had THREE TO FREEZE!!!!! three whole, grade-a embryos!!! sure, sure, that's good, whatever. BUT NO!!! last time, not only did our ivf not work, but NONE of our eggs made it to freeze. talk about kicking a dead horse, man. that's why i was sooooo excited when mr. embryologist told me that news today. poor guy was like, "um, ok. so that's it. i'm gonna get off the phone now....", as i gushed and gushed thank yous. so, happy news!


and i have to put this out there. and i am WARNING you, this is gross.

i was put on endometrin (progesterone suppositories) since retrieval. and it is the. grossest. thing. ever!!!! i've never been a "pad" gal and this is just like my own personal hell here. i'm leaky alllllll day. i even made a special call to the doctor because SURELY this is not normal, right??? um, no. i asked about the progesterone-in-oil shots and she said it's 'six to one, half a dozen to the other'. deal with the leaks or the ass you can't sit on. gimme another coupla days and i may be there.

2dp3dt

is sunday considered 2 days or 3? if i had my transfer on friday? hmmm. i guess i'll stick with 2 since i called yesterday 1, huh.

anyhoo.

nothing much going on over here. i'm just trying to keep track of symptoms and whatnot, so feel free to skip any posts until the 23rd.

just some twinges yesterday and today. not quite cramps, but enough to be uncomfortable; more like my uterus making sure i know she's there. "hellllllooooooooooo!!!" like your aunt would say. not like, "EMILY CATHERINE, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!" like your (my) mom would say.

i just compared actual cramps to my mother's angry voice. good thing she doesn't know i blog, huh?

:)

1dp3dt

is that how you abbreviate the days after ivf? one-day-past-three-day-transfer? i think so. in any case, it's been 24 hours. we transferred 3 perfect little 8-cell embryos and i hope one or two of them are getting all nestled in my nether-regions.

we decided on 3 because, well, we did three last time (on the advice of the nurse) and none of them took, so why not do three again, right?

except when the nurse asked and we said 3, she was all, "i just want to make sure you are aware of the complications associated with triplets..." ummmm, triplets?!?! sooooooo not what we're going for. we're hoping for one little, tiny mini-d. mayyyyyyybe 2. but 3?!?! holy shit, i have palpitations just thinking of it.

but, the hubs and i talked and decided that if we did 2 and it didn't work, we'd be mooooore upset and wonder what if.

so. the 23rd is my bloodtest. i shall be on pins and needles til then.

nine!!!

we have nine good embryos!!! wooohooooooo!!!

so friday is the transfer and i get to take a valium! haha.

HOWever. the hubs and i were talking finance last night and now i'm freaked. we have debt (who doesn't - right?), and we're not saving right now. i am super freaked. i know we can get on track, but this summer kicked our ass. so now i'm scared of getting pregnant. i have only said that on here cuz, really - it only just hit me yesterday. diapers, formula, cribs (i have a feeling i'm bound for multiples.), clothes, DAYCARE!!! what do women do?!? it's not like i'm the only one out there who would need daycare, right? it's not ideal, but this is the world we live in. how do people own a house, pay their bills, AND afford hundreds of dollars A WEEK for someone ELSE to watch their kids??? ugh.

brain meltdown.

let's just get through the transfer, shall we.

TWENTY-TWO?!?!?

no WONDER my ovaries were baseball-esque for the last few days. now, i know that's just the preliminary number and we need to see how many are mature and then how many fertilize, but seriously?! 22?!?! last time around, i had only gotten 11 and 10 were mature. they are icsi'ing all of them, so i'm hoping for some to freeze. woop woop!!!

baseballs.

my ovaries feel like two heavy baseballs under my stomach. good lord, i don't remember them hurting like this last time.

also, (and this may be tmi, but whatever.) my boobs are out. of. control. can't touch 'em. can't sleep on 'em. daaaaaaaamn. putting a bra on this morning took some work. i remember this after the transfer, but before retrieval??? i guess it's the hsg. not a huge fan of the painfulness.

tuesday, Tuesday, TUESDAY!

retrieval scheduled for TUESDAY MORNING! holy crap!!!!!

nina douchebag.

that's her name. at least, that's what my husband and i call her. to each other, to our friends, to gayle, her co-worker (boss lady, i think) who is also aware of her incompetence, and pretty much anyone who listens. the medical assistant slash clinical research coordinator in charge of my ivf. the one who has to poke me 8 times before hitting a vein, and even then, she finally just resorts to moving the needle around till she gets it. the one who has no clue about my ivf process, but yet is somehow a "coordinator". yeah. it's awesome. i can't figure out if she's actually that fucking stupid, or if she's messing with me for fun.

first it was not calling me back.

then it was calling me back to tell me she doesn't know the answer to ANY of my questions. wtf?! why did you call?!?!?

THEN it was forgetting to schedule my appointment, so when i DROVE A FUCKING HOUR to the office, they had no clue why i was there and weren't ready to see me. oh, and that's happened more than once.

NOW it's giving me 25 vials of menopur to start, then an additional 5 earlier this week. what's wrong with that you ask? ummm, i was on 2 for 2 days. then my doctor upped it to 3. i'm on day 10. yes, you are correct - i only have 2 vials left, so i need to get more tomorrow from the office. SATURDAY. i already have an appointment on SUNDAY MORNING AT SEVENFUCKINGTHIRTYAM . so when i call the cool lady's cell phone (gayle - nice one i'd rather deal with), she asks me why i don't have enough. i explain. she says my "chart states nina (douchebag) gave me 30 vials to start, then 5 more this week, for a grand total of 35 vials", meaning i should have more than enough for tomorrow night.

THIS BITCH CAN'T COUNT!!!!

WHAT IF SHE HAS FUCKED ME ALL UP?!?!?! now i have this nugget in my head that if i don't get pregnant, it's nina douchebag's fault!