the first week.

max is a week old today. (hence why i'm writing a million things now that i finally have a second to get on my computer.)

-he squeaks. a lot. it's the cutest sound in the world.
-he eats like a football player. every hour and a half like clockwork. and when he eats, its not just for a second - it's at least a 40 minute procedure.
-he smiles when he poops.
-i have to sleep with the light on because i'm terrified he's going to choke or suffocate in his sleep. chris is not on board with the lights thing, but he's nice about it.
-max LOVES being swaddled. he hates being free. if you unswaddle him, he immediately starts to fuss and wants to eat.
-chris is the best dad ever. he changes max's diaper all the time. he gets up to get max and do his diaper at every feeding so all i have to do is get out the boob.
-he weighed 7lbs4oz at birth, 6lbs15oz when we left the hospital, and is already back up at 7lbs6oz. he's a fatty. :)
-i'm NOT a fatty (well, you know, haha) - i lost TWENTY pounds in a week! score! (nineteen and a half was probably from all the swelling. haha - my entire body was puffed up. i thought i had turned into a pear-shaped woman when i was in the hospital. all that sitting swelled my butt and thighs like crazy.)
-he wears newborn clothes and size one diapers (even though he should probably be wearing newborns; we have an asston of size ones, so whatever.)

i love you, max. <3

what they didn't tell me.

they didn't tell me that after childbirth, your girly parts would look like a murder scene every time you go to the bathroom. good lord.

they ALSO didn't tell me the AMOUNT of pain i'd be in. i knew i'd be sore. but i couldn't stand upright, sit on my butt, or get out of bed without SERIOUS effort. my stitches felt like they were ripping all the time.

they DID tell me being at the hospital would be like staying at a hotel. not so much. people don't knock, dude. so on the rare occasion i'd get to sleep for a few minutes, someone would come in to check my blood pressure, or check him, or whatever. no sleep dude.

they didn't tell me my nipples would feel like i've been nursing a rabid, wild dog. holy shit they hurt. i love nursing. i'm glad i stuck with it and it's getting better now, but damn. and it doesn't help that max's signature move to let me know he's done is to CHOMP.

june 16th

was Max Christopher's birthday.

i had a scheduled induction that morning due to my gestational hypertension. we were supposed to get there at six, but, of course, i had to do my hair and makeup (can't look like a crazy lady in those pictures!), so we got there around 6:15. we were the last of the inductions to arrive, but they took us right back and got me all set up. i got my pitocin iv and all was going swimmingly. the doctor first checked me around 7:30 and i was already 4cm! (i was 3 when i went in anyway) up to that point, i could definitely feel the contractions, but it really wasn't that bad. i totally htought i could handle this!

then.

she broke my water.

oh good lord. the minute she did that, the contractions felt crazy. like i was being broken in half. the nurse said i could have my epidural whenever, but i felt like such a wuss. who gets their epidural this early?! but i asked for it anyway.

did you know getting an epidural hurts just as much as a contraction??? i did not. i knew it would be "uncomfortable" - but damn!!! that pain was a whole new insult!!! anyhoo. so i got it.

about 10 minutes in, my left side was numb, but i could feel every little thing on the right. EVERYTHING. they told me maybe it would take a minute or maybe i should prop myself up on the left because maybe gravity would help. nothing helped.

i stayed like that for about 4 or 5 hours. in natural labor basically. my phone was ringing, i was getting texts and all i could say to chris was "TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF!!!" nice, right? haha. finally, the anesthesiologist came back and attempted to explain to me why and how it didn't work. he was using hand gestures and pictures - JUST FIX IT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!! so my options were to pull it out a smidge and *hopefully* that would fix the problem, OR re-do the whole thing. i just said "YOU'RE THE DOCTOR!" so, chris said to re-do it.

so we did. he gave me an epidural while i wwas having contractions and was 8 centimeters. that was a pain like no other on the planet. pain on pain, i tell you. but after about 10 minutes, both side were numb.

except.

NOW - i could feel EVERYTHING below my pubic bone. evry time i had a contraction, i could feel his head being pushed. i could feel the pressure of a thousand tons bearing down on my nether regions. i took it for a little while. the nurses all said i was supposed to feel pressure. sure. except I CAN'T BREATHE THIS HURTS SO FUCKING BAD!!! then, the anesthesiologist came back and said i should feel that, but it definitely shouldn't be at "full capacity", so he gave me a shot in my iv that would "take the edge off".

then my whole body went numb.

no feeling in my arms, legs, torso; couldn't move ANYTHING!!! and then they tell me i'm 10 centimeters and READY TO GO!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! how am i gonna do this if i can't move my arms?!?!?

i'll tell you - they grab my arms, legs, and the nurse pushed me forward and the doctor told me to "push". so i pretend to do so. i couldn't feel ANYTHING! so i at least tried to mimic the feeling of pushing. that worked, apparently. but she also had to use the vacuum. go for it! i can't feel anything anyway!

all of a sudden, after about 10 minutes, chris says "HIS HEAD IS OUT!!!" i say, "REALLY!?!? I CAN'T FEEL IT!"

and so Max is born at 2:00pm on june 16th, 2010.

when they put him on my chest, a thousand different things ran through my head.
-is he ok?
-i can't touch him- my hand won't move.
-i love him.
-i love chris.
-this is the craziest shit i have ever experienced in my life.
-holy shit, i have a son.

they took him right next to me to do their thing and chris snapped pictures, and i look down to see the doctor hard at work. "placenta", i think for a split second. ...until i see the giant fishhook and string she's knitting with. what. the. fuck. she sees my face and immediately says all casually, "you need some stitches here - no big deal. you tore a little. can you feel any of that?" i say no and i think to myself, THANK GOD IN HEAVEN I CAN'T!!! can you imagine?!?!? she told me it would hurt later, but it would be fine.

so about 20 minutes after he was born, my hands started tingling. i finally got to hold my baby boy.

i love him more than i thought i would. he's perfect. he's everything. he's mine.

bedrest sucks.

now, i love to loaf around just as much (if not more than) the average joe, but this shit is ridiculous. i've got NESTING to do, DAMMIT!!! the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, i haven't made a drawer for baby stuff in the kitchen, oh the VACUUMING!, i still needed some odds and ends at target....

ARG!!!!! i'm on day NINE here, people!!! i'm losing my marbles. bless his heart, but the topher is only so much help. he's a dude. when i say, "the fridge needs to be cleaned out..." he "cleans" it - ie - throws away stuff that looks old. no taking everything out and wiping down shelves like it's your job; no emptying the ice maker and washing it in super hot water to get rid of all the ice dust in there. and vacuuming? homie PRETENDS he vacuumed while i was upstairs taking a shower. "she'll never know! the carpet is beige!" i know him all too well.

so anyhoo. survey says: I'VE GONE NUTTY! cabin fever like crazy. i sit here on the couch watching crappy tv while my house calls out to me, "hey emmie, it's us - FLOORBOARDS! we're FILTHY!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!"

on another note: i'm all about words with friends. it's a nice distractor from said shitty television. so if you're bored, find me, and we will scrabble. 'rademmie'