this post is full of s*** and f*** and b**** : you've been warned.

had my 1st u/s on friday and it showed one dominant follicle at 13mm! for me, that's just crazy! day 10?! normal follicles? holy shit. so yeah, i spent my weekend daydreaming about how this is fi-na-lly going to work and what colors this, and which theme that.

then i go in this morning for my next u/s and it's just like every time before. same 13mm one, then a couple at 10mm. the tech (who is super nice and always tries to make you laugh, but sometimes needs to just shut up) told me to "just keep doing what you're doing; it'll be fun no matter what!" um, no, bitch. scheduled sex is extremely far from fun. (well, not extremely, i guess. haha) i got my eyes on the prize and i don't need her telling me this 'maybe' shit. she said "who knows what happened over the weekend; that 13mm one may have grown and this is a new one...." as she trailed off. shouldn't you know that? why can't i get a motherfucking straight answer from anyone!?!?

so then i spent the rest of the day wallowing and not wanting to speak to a single person, which is bad when you teach 7th grade. the hormones alone should qualify me for paid time off so i don't starngle a kid. let alone it being 12 days til school's out and they are straight-crazy.

i'm still in wallow-mode and may be here for an indefinite amount of time. feel free to join. haha.

hodgepodge

my laptop is being weird. i'll be typing and all of a sudden - the cursor moves and starts typing in the middle of another word. arg. anyhoo.

i started another clinical trial today. lutrepatch, anyone? i have to wear it for 21 days, changing it once in the morning (6:10 to be exact!) and once at night (7:30). it pulsates every 90 minutes when it's dosing and kind of feels like a mild tattoo. like, it stings! not pain, exactly, but quite uncomfortable.

anyone else out there in the cyberworld do this and had a positive (BABY!) outcome? or know of someone?

sidenote: a good friend of mine is doing her first ivf and her transfer is sunday. mother's day. her due date *would* be around valentine's day. good signs. she's seen me through all my nonsense, so i told her it will obviously work for her; odds what they are, it didn't work for me, so process of elimination!
in a perfect world, this stupid trial would miraculously work and we'd be *the p-word* together.

*sigh* feels like a pipedream. who knows WHEN that will ever happen.

totally off-subject:
my grandma died last sunday. i was extremely close to her and am having a rough time. i'd like to think she now knows how hard all this baby stuff is for me and will give me some juju. (i never got into it with her because in the end, she wasn't quite all there and i didn't want to just confuse her more.) it would be nice. i miss her.

on a lighter note: school's out in 17 (school) days! woohoo.