funk.

i'm in one. i thought i was getting out, but not so much. i see babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. i see happy families at stop lights. all i can think about is having my own and if that will ever actually happen. i find myself becoming insanely jealous of friends who have gotten pregnant by accident. i have a few; one even didn't find out til she was 15 weeks. she had been drinking and smoking weed the whole time and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. i truly don't believe she understands how blessed she is. my friends who have planned their pregnancies, i feel genuine happiness for them. they decided to get pregnant, and they did. i am so happy that it happens that way for them; that they didn't have to go through the months and months of disappointments i have. or have the feeling of complete helplessness when your body just won't do it's job.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.