happy saturday... not really.

i woke up today after a very trying few days. no symptoms, no anything. i tried to stay busy, not think about it. so when i got up today, i found that i have gotten my period. which is ironic in a few different ways. number 1; i have only gotten my period maybe like 12 times in my life without medical help. number 2; normally, i'd be jumping up and down that my body worked all by itself. and number 3; i have spent the last 3 months doing everything in my power to NOT get my period. shots, ultrasounds, doctor visits... etc.

i am a broken person today.

i have no earthly clue how women have done this 3 or 4 times. i feel like something has been ripped away from me. my dream has been sparkling on a string in front of my face; so close i could touch it. i believed it was mine. i planned in my head all the wonderful things that came along with my shiny dream; telling the new grandparents, first days of school, wedding days. now the harsh, harsh reality is that there will be no telling my parents that good news. there will be no glowing when i go back to work. in fact, the old bags i work with are going to ask about why i don't have babies yet. it's what they do. and i will either crack a joke, or burst out into uncontrollable tears as i've done for the past 3 hours.

i called my doctor and she said sometimes this happens, it's normal. she said to still come in for my blood test on monday, but she "doesn't want to get my hopes up."
when a doctor says 'don't get your hopes up', i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing.

poor chris looked just as sad as me, but i think he felt more that he had to be strong and just sit next to me while i cried instead of showing any emotion himself. i feel horribly for letting him do that. now he'll be alone at work all day feeling the same as me and i didn't comfort him at all. i just cried on him all morning. i love him more than anything. he knows just what to say and do. actually, he told me to go buy a new phone. which sounds bad, but it really was the sweetest thing. he knows i want a new one, but we really shouldn't be frivolous right now. but if it would make me happy, he'd want me to do just about anything today. but, no phone. it would be a 'youre-not-pregnant-and-this-is-your-consolation-prize' phone. i don't need one of those.

so i'm a sad girl today. i'm not answering my phone. i'll be watching tv while the dog snores. i'll be googling if anyone has done ivf, gotten a period, and still had a positive blood test. i'll be wondering what the hell i'm gonna do now.