*correction*

i posted about 'that lady in california' way too early. homegirl's straight crazy.

i hope the dcf comes after her and puts all of those babies in good, happy homes.

uh-oh.

my 6-month follow-up is next monday. yeah. ummmmm. i've lost 15 pounds since october. *hopefully* i won't get yelled at.

and why are people so friggin insensitive?!?!?!? one of my friends - one who knows ALL my business - is just starting to ttc numero uno and feels it necessary to give me every play-by-play. when, how, what her due date will be, what she's going to register for, how can she take off work for dr. appts?, do i like the name 'dane'?, etc...

seriously?! i love her, but she's driving me crazy.

wow.

a lady in california just gave birth to 8 healthy babies. perfect.

a bad day.

i went to my friend's kid's birthday party today. he turned 2. it didn't even occur to me i would be uncomfortable.

i did not realize (because i'm dumb and don't think of normal crap) that the entire extended family would be there. newborns, toddlers, and all. it was baby-overload. i babysat a little before we left so my other friend could get ready and her little girl who's about 5 months fell asleep on my shoulder. i wanted to melt right there. then she did it again at the party. and then THE question started popping up. old ladies seeing my ring and asking why i don't have any yet; time to get started, missy!; or you look like such a natural, you should have one too.

people don't mean to be insensitive, obviously. nor do they even know their comments could possibly be construed as insensitive. but each time someone says something like that, it's like a knife twisting in my stomach. i put the smile on my face and act all 'oh, you know, whenever...' and try to change the subject, but then i come home and have a freak-out.

then, my friend who is just starting out - like this month is try #1 - wants to constantly tell me about it. how she 'just knows she's pregnant' (even though it's only been 3 days since ovulation) and this and that, giving off impressions like i'm new to any of this. my problem is my problem and of course, i'm happy for her, but everything she says makes me want to cry. she knows allllll of my business and yet, doesn't seem to filter her conversation about this uber-touchy subject. i don't want her to not tell me things, i just wish she didn't act like this all new information for me.

and then there's the part where when it doesn't happen this month - not because i want tat to happen, but because statistically, there's about a 90% chance it won't the first time - there's going to be the incredible let-down. she took a test the other morning waaaaay too early and it was negative, to which she said made her feel "depressed". that made me want to scream.

'depressed' isn't when a test is neg 3 days after sex. 'depressed' is when it's negative after your 3rd round of bcps, provera, and clomid. or when you get your period the day before your blood test after ivf. or when you've been doing this for 2 years and you still have an empty room that is longing for a nursery. with a window that overlooks the pond out back where a rocking chair would be perfect for calming a baby in the middle of the night. 'depressed' is when you keep that room locked at all times because opening it up hurts too much to look at every day.

i hate feeling bitter. and i hate feeling jealous. i'm grateful for what i have. a husband whom i love, a house we love, a job in thee times, and a family that is delightfully ridiculous on a regular basis. but even when i count my blessings, i always seem to go back to the one thing i can't count yet. and that is what hurts the most.

pass the candy, please.

ugh. i have to go to the doctor on the 21st to get my blood checked. insulin levels and stuff. but along with that, i think i'm getting weighed. this appointment will be 2 months after my last one and i'm fairly certain i'm supposed to have lost at least 15 pounds; probably closer to 25. weeEEEEeeeell.... i've lost about 5 in the last 6 weeks. mmm-hmmm. between breakdowns, time changes, halloween candy, and the worst substitute you can imagine, i've been a little distracted and really not caring about what i eat. you know what?- i take that back. it's the damn candy. i walk, the sub got fired (dude. whole other story.), and i cry all the time anyway.

but seriously?! if it has peanut butter in it, i love it. and remember those perfect angel children i teach this year? yeah, well they all brought me vanilla tootsie rolls (my all-time fave) and reeses from their personal stashes. one little mention on 'favorites' and i gain a million pounds.
sidenote - funny story - my rows were getting really squished together from 13 year-olds plopping into them all week, and as i was walking up and down handing out papers, i say, "i think it's just adorable that you guys think my butt is small enough to fit in between these desks!" and this little girl who looks like a 5th grader, says, 'but you're skinny enough to fit anyway! look - you're doing it!" i'm not sure if she was trying to make me feel better or if she was serious, but either way, it made my day! haha.

blah

that's me. it just hit me again. i've been fine. then my friend has a baby and WHOOSH! all those sad, failure, baby-less feelings come back.

i was looking at the picture she sent me of her and the baby in the hospital and she just looks so supremely at peace and happy.

and while i am so excited and happy for her, the picture made me wonder if i'll ever get to feel like that.

aaaaaaaaaaand... waterworks. time to go.

boo.

there are no motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.

life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.

married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.