there are no motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.
i can't wait til there are. here i go falling into a depression exactly 10 days before my 30th birthday.
life is in ways exactly what i thought it would look like when i'm 30, and then again, so completely not what i imagined.
married? check. house? check. stable job? checkity check.
one 2-year-old with one on the way and exact plans for the third? um, no.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
we're good.
chris' spunk is fine. (haha) "excellent" in fact. so it turns out we really are just unlucky. i have a consultation on friday to see where we should go from here.
on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)
on a side note, my ass is getting back on the hotness train. i gained about 12 pounds while taking all those ivf drugs and have not been able - ok, ok, or realllly trying - to shake them. i've been walking as usual, but my diet has kind of gone away. i've been comfort-eating big time. well, no more! i will be thin-ish by the end of the year. i swear. ;)
Friday, August 8, 2008
do you...
ever wonder what the lives of others are really like?
like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.
after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.
i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.
like, i look at some of my friends' lives and think to myself that they have it so easy. no problems, smiley-happy faces. but then, as a verrrry good friend pointed out to me the other day, they might be looking at me the same way. i have a wonderful husband who i am completely in love with, we have a new, beautiful house, our dog is super-cute, our families are relatively normal and love us, and we're both gainfully employed. none of them know the extent of our fertility issues; they know we're 'trying' and that's that. so i thought about what this friend of mine said and i think she may be right. she, herself, has a wonderful marriage, one kid and one on the way, but her parents are crack addicts (literally) whom she has to take care of both financially and emotionally. i can't imagine. then i think of some other friends and i realize, maybe they feel the same way as me from time to time. problems are relative and mine might be a laugh for one of them. one who is stuck in a relationship she doesn't want to be in; one who is secretly embarrassed of her husband's lack of ambition; one who lies to us about how rich she is, when she's barely making ends meet; one who is so judgemental, she's constantly trying to one-up everyone so we think she's fabulous, when actually, she's accomplishing the opposite. we all have problems. mine just seems bigger because it's mine, i guess.
after reading all this, it sounds like i'm trying to make myself better by pointing out things about others; not true. i just never thought about my life from the outside-in and vice-versa.
i'm counting my blessings and hoping for my dreams to come true.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
funk.
i'm in one. i thought i was getting out, but not so much. i see babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. i see happy families at stop lights. all i can think about is having my own and if that will ever actually happen. i find myself becoming insanely jealous of friends who have gotten pregnant by accident. i have a few; one even didn't find out til she was 15 weeks. she had been drinking and smoking weed the whole time and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. i truly don't believe she understands how blessed she is. my friends who have planned their pregnancies, i feel genuine happiness for them. they decided to get pregnant, and they did. i am so happy that it happens that way for them; that they didn't have to go through the months and months of disappointments i have. or have the feeling of complete helplessness when your body just won't do it's job.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.
for as hard and long as i prayed for this one thing, it makes it really hard to start over. to pray and wish and hope all over again. a little piece of me died last week and i can't seem to figure out how to fix it. hard. impossible. painful.
i want more than anything to be able to start a family with my amazing husband. i can imagine what kind of father he'll be and it always makes me smile. he'll play out back with them, he'll slip them money behind my back before they go to the mall, he'll watch patiently as they struggle through their math homework, and he'll hug and kiss them before they go to bed. they'll go to sleep with smiles on their faces because of him. i want so badly to give him those things. i say it everyday and i think it when i'm in funks like this; i love you, chris. thank god i have you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
seroiusly?!
bad call. very bad call. not pregnant. as suspected, but i was still hoping. i made an appointment for this morning to come in and do my 'exit interview' and have a physical done and to have the 'what-comes-next-talk' with the doc. chris came too. here's how THAT went:
our little visit went worse than the fucking phone call! now, on top of my pcos, we have 'unexplained infertility'. he said they are all baffled that i'm not pregnant. perfect embryos; perfect uterus. i fall into the 20% of women my age who didn't get pregs with ivf on the 1st try. no wonder we lost all our money in vegas. our odds SUCK!!! whatever. so chris had to get his shit checked again because through the ivf, they discovered when his junk and my junk were just put together, nothing happened. they put his junk IN my junk and that's how we got the embryos. they said it could be just really bad luck (probably, the way my life is going) or it could be some chromosomal defect and if that was the case, i would NEVER get pregnant with his sperm. awesome. so they're testing it to see and we should find out in 2 or 3 weeks. he also said it's such a rare condition that there's no real percentages or studies on it, as it's only caught through the in-vitro process. but the infertility dude said in his career, he's only seen this test come back 'abnormal' like 1 or 2 times. so, hopefully our luck gets better soon.
and poison is here tonight and i don't have tickets. boo.
our little visit went worse than the fucking phone call! now, on top of my pcos, we have 'unexplained infertility'. he said they are all baffled that i'm not pregnant. perfect embryos; perfect uterus. i fall into the 20% of women my age who didn't get pregs with ivf on the 1st try. no wonder we lost all our money in vegas. our odds SUCK!!! whatever. so chris had to get his shit checked again because through the ivf, they discovered when his junk and my junk were just put together, nothing happened. they put his junk IN my junk and that's how we got the embryos. they said it could be just really bad luck (probably, the way my life is going) or it could be some chromosomal defect and if that was the case, i would NEVER get pregnant with his sperm. awesome. so they're testing it to see and we should find out in 2 or 3 weeks. he also said it's such a rare condition that there's no real percentages or studies on it, as it's only caught through the in-vitro process. but the infertility dude said in his career, he's only seen this test come back 'abnormal' like 1 or 2 times. so, hopefully our luck gets better soon.
and poison is here tonight and i don't have tickets. boo.
Monday, July 21, 2008
waiting for the call.
this sucks. my heart jumps every time a hear the smallest noise. it doesn't help that my phone recpetion bars keep dancing back and forth. damn at&t.
i've said about a million hail marys and our fathers today. i hope they get heard.
she's supposed to call by 5. 43 mintues and counting.
i've said about a million hail marys and our fathers today. i hope they get heard.
she's supposed to call by 5. 43 mintues and counting.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
not for the timid:
still rollin with flo. sometimes mother nature is a mother fucker, i tell you. and by the way, who uses pads anymore?! i have felt soooooo gross for last two days! ugh! squishy, gushy, leaky! no thank you. sorry, maybe that was tmi. whatever. it's my blog.
i've been googling and have decided in a last-ditch effort to hang on to my *pregnancy*, that i am not experiencing a period, rather 'decidual bleeding'. turns out you can still be pregnant, but bleed like a period. well, that's me!
as you can tell, i'm doing everything to *make* it true in my head. i want nothing more in the world. i know i'm grasping at straws and the possibilities of my dreams coming true are pretty slim, but if i don't have to face it, i don't want to. i can't believe all those shots were for nothing.
and if i hear my mom say 'things happen for a reason' or 'maybe this is what your body needed to correct itself' (whatthefuckityfuck?!), i might scream.
i've been googling and have decided in a last-ditch effort to hang on to my *pregnancy*, that i am not experiencing a period, rather 'decidual bleeding'. turns out you can still be pregnant, but bleed like a period. well, that's me!
as you can tell, i'm doing everything to *make* it true in my head. i want nothing more in the world. i know i'm grasping at straws and the possibilities of my dreams coming true are pretty slim, but if i don't have to face it, i don't want to. i can't believe all those shots were for nothing.
and if i hear my mom say 'things happen for a reason' or 'maybe this is what your body needed to correct itself' (whatthefuckityfuck?!), i might scream.
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